I have a love-hate relationship with feelings. Okay, mostly hate. I'm NOT amused.

I don’t handle grief well.  At all.  I suppose everyone handles it in their own way.  I eat.  I realize I haven’t blogged in a few days.  I’ve been hiding in shame from what I’ve been eating the last few days.  I tonight realized why: In a few weeks, I will be starting back college.  Full time.  I currently have a cat, Luda.  Since moving back in with my parents, and with that her relocation outside, I haven’t had been as close with my cat as I was when it was just her an I.  She can’t sleep with me now, or sit in my lap while I watch TV.  So a few months ago, we made the decision to start looking for a new home for her, to allow someone else to enjoy her, and to allow her to be loved and cared for like she really should, and I’m going to be around less in a few weeks than I have been.  I can’t (least favorite word in English language) give her the love I used to any longer, and it grieves me greatly.  When the discussion first came up, and the decision was made, I cried for a good long while.  Then the idea went away a little because there was no progress on the actual finding.  Now there’s a meeting.  Luda and my step-dad are going to meet a potential new owner.  Tomorrow at 1PM.  I haven’t hardly stopped crying since I found out.  I can't go.  My mom asked for her file a few days ago, and the eating hit.  I'm stuffing.  BIG TIME. 

McDonalds already three times, Arby’s, it’s like I’m eating like I used to.  I’m not hungry until about an hour after I eat.  Empty calories is all.  I forced myself to eat my brought lunch at work today, and felt better, but then turned around forgot to eat dinner before class, and grabbed a burger afterwards.  ::sigh:: now I know what’s going on.  I was trying to process the grief like I used to process everything.  I don’t think I’ll have that desire after tomorrow, I’ll have cried enough. 

I have mixed emotions about this whole thing.  My head says she’s a CAT.  My heart says she's MY cat, and I have very fond memories of my cat and I in our apartments.  My dream of moving out anytime soon has gone away, and soon, so will my kitty cat.  

Below is one of my favorite pictures of me and my cat.  Taken with my web cam a few months after my cat became my cat.  Back in 2008.  I love you, Luda, and hope you find true happiness and love with your next owner.  

Until next time,

:)