*Note: I have several links in this post, they should all open up in separate windows...* :)
I heard this all the time growing up. My sisters and I are constant correctors of each others missteps. That's neither here nor there and not the point of this post. As an adult, I am beginning to understand the true meaning behind the statement "seek first to understand". It means more that just letting go of the fact that your friend text "your" instead of "you're" (although, that's a really good place to start...) You understood the context of the sentence with the incorrect grammar. The deeper meaning behind "seek first to understand" is this: "Give your fellow humanity a BREAK. Seek to understand the intent behind whatever it is instead of picking it apart for its wrong doings, that were not intended".
Unless a video particularly fascinates me, I typically won't watch it until it's viral. Deep down, I just want to be cool. :) But I digress. There's a video that I think has just about gone viral. And so I watched it. You can watch it here. The basic premise is that they bring in women to a sketch artist and the women describe how they look, and the sketch artist draws. Then, after each woman has had a chance to mingle with another woman, they bring her back in and she describes the other person. They then bring in each woman to view the two pictures. The basic result is to drive home the point that we are our own worst critic as far as seeing ourselves. In my OPINION, this is where the evaluation of this video should STOP. It is not a corporate plot against us. The marketing department is NOT out to get us. It's not a conspiracy. It is not trying to drive home how we measure up to society's view of beauty. At the bottom of the page of the video, there are links to two criticisms. Because I'm that kind of person, I'm going to give you easy access: here and here. I'm going to point out my main objection to their objections and be done with it. First, I think they both mention (but I could be wrong) that the words used in the ad were geared towards saying that being thin is good and fat is bad. Now, I won't go into why I think that's fundamentally correct anyways, because being overweight can lead to all kinds of health problems and blah, blah, blah.
Here's my issue. I think the authors of both of these posts watched the ad over and over and over. At least I know one did because she said she did. Is it really necessary to TRY and find "issues"?? Can we not just accept that the message Dove is TRYING to convey is that we need to give ourselves and everyone else a BREAK and celebrate how beautiful we, as individuals, are?? How each little thing about ourselves that we think is ugly is really beautiful, and the world doesn't notice all the little "flaws" that we see, they see our true beauty. For me, watching this video wasn't about breaking down what types of women were featured in the ad, or what words were used. I didn't even notice those things. It was about overturning this terrible habit that in order to be feminine and not cocky, we had to be demure about our looks and we are so trained that when we hear another woman say "I'm beautiful, pretty, cute," whatever, we think, well she's arrogant and full of herself. It was about us celebrating that what makes us different is what makes us BEAUTIFUL.
I ran across a quote from Marianne Williamson a very long time ago, and it says:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"
I just googled "Marianne Williamson quotes" and this web page was the first result. I have had the printed quote posted in my cubicle for YEARS. THIS is where I think Dove was trying to go. WE ALL ARE BEAUTIFUL. WE ARE ALL TALENTED. WE ALL ARE FABULOUS.
I will tell you this. I am beautiful. I am talented. I am FABULOUS. I am freaking AWESOME. And I'm not afraid to tell you. That is not arrogance. That is the confidence that comes from being able to see that I AM ME AND I AM OKAY. I am beautiful in my own way. We all are! It took a long time for me to get there, because for me it wasn't just about trying to be demure, I truly didn't think I was beautiful. I didn't think I was anything. I was lucky enough to have someone (really someones) in my life willing to preach at me day in and day out for more than a year and constantly ask me the question "You know you're beautiful right??" And wait for me to work through all my stuff until one day I could answer "YES" and BELIEVE IT. That last part...that's the KEY. :)
It's is an amazing power to be able to say, you know what, I am really cute just me!
Go look yourself in the mirror and say "I am beautiful" (and STOP the sentence there, NO buts) and see if it doesn't make you smile. :)
Until next time,
:)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Exercise makes me very happy
I know, terrible title. The ibuprofen PM is starting to set in...better type quick before I get myself in trouble for TUI (typing under the influence) :)
Over the last week, I've become a workout machine. At least an hour a piece every day. Over 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of weights. I did not work out today because I was in school all day. I feel gross. UGH. I want to go to the gym! Last night, my roommate and I went to the gym together, around 8p. That was BAD idea all around. It's just not ideal to work out that late. Exercise releases endorphins (and endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't shoot their husbands!! :) First to name the movie reference...gets a cookie ). It also creates energy, which is why most experts will tell you the best time of day to workout is the morning, to get your body going for the day ahead. It also helps curb bad choices because you know all the work you put into the workout. It also helps remove excuses for not working out. It removes the "Well I had to work late, I had to go to the grocery store, I'm so tired after work, the kids need me"....on and on and on. Easier to defeat one excuse than 7.
So tomorrow morning when I get up, before I go to my Chem Lab, I'm going to get my workout accomplished. I'm so excited to go back to the gym. School just gets terribly in the way! :)
Time for bed :)
Until next time,
:)
Over the last week, I've become a workout machine. At least an hour a piece every day. Over 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of weights. I did not work out today because I was in school all day. I feel gross. UGH. I want to go to the gym! Last night, my roommate and I went to the gym together, around 8p. That was BAD idea all around. It's just not ideal to work out that late. Exercise releases endorphins (and endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don't shoot their husbands!! :) First to name the movie reference...gets a cookie ). It also creates energy, which is why most experts will tell you the best time of day to workout is the morning, to get your body going for the day ahead. It also helps curb bad choices because you know all the work you put into the workout. It also helps remove excuses for not working out. It removes the "Well I had to work late, I had to go to the grocery store, I'm so tired after work, the kids need me"....on and on and on. Easier to defeat one excuse than 7.
So tomorrow morning when I get up, before I go to my Chem Lab, I'm going to get my workout accomplished. I'm so excited to go back to the gym. School just gets terribly in the way! :)
Time for bed :)
Until next time,
:)
To be so close...
It's hard to think that one of our fellow humans would want to cause so much destruction. Unfathomable. When I heard about the tragedy at the Boston Marathon yesterday affecting the finish line, my first thought was all those people who worked so hard to get there didn't get to finish. And the ones who did, the celebration was short-lived and drowned out by pain and sorrow. I really struggled yesterday with that thought and thinking, I'm so selfish! It's the middle of a terrible tragedy and what I think is about being able to finish. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible grief and sympathy for those affected and even those not affected who were close to the event or to someone in the event. It's just hard to imagine being 25 miles into the most famous marathon in the world, and not getting the gratification to finish I would have to struggle with.
My thoughts and prayers are with the runners, workers, police officers, and all the family members who were in some way involved in the bombings. I truly hope any suffering is healed and justice served to those responsible.
Until next time,
:)
My thoughts and prayers are with the runners, workers, police officers, and all the family members who were in some way involved in the bombings. I truly hope any suffering is healed and justice served to those responsible.
Until next time,
:)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Fresh or frozen?
I am fascinated by the debate over the health differences between fresh produce and fruit vs. frozen produce and fruit vs. canned.... While I really enjoy fresh produce and fruit, I'm only 1 person! There's no way I can eat it before it goes bad, and I'm not going to the store every other day. So I buy frozen veggies in those steamable bags. Talk about EASY! Stick it in the microwave, 5-7 minutes later, voila! I just have to add salt go figure :)
I haven't done any research though, so I'm not really sure if I'm getting all the value of the veggies. And I don't eat many fruits...I do buy some in a can and I try to buy the ones in water that seem to have less added but still able to stick around for at least a week...I'll have to work on that now that we're getting into the summer. Strawberries!! (RIGHT?!?!?! Heck, I don't know what's in season when) :) ooo with fat free cool whip. I'm already excited. This is faboo! :)
Thoughts? Preferences?
Until next time,
:)
I haven't done any research though, so I'm not really sure if I'm getting all the value of the veggies. And I don't eat many fruits...I do buy some in a can and I try to buy the ones in water that seem to have less added but still able to stick around for at least a week...I'll have to work on that now that we're getting into the summer. Strawberries!! (RIGHT?!?!?! Heck, I don't know what's in season when) :) ooo with fat free cool whip. I'm already excited. This is faboo! :)
Thoughts? Preferences?
Until next time,
:)
And that, my friends, is how it's done.
There's going to be a smidgen of girl talk in the first paragraph of this post so if you think that might not be fun, you've been warned... :)
This past week I was up against the feeling of slight defeat from the weight gain last week and because of er "hormone regulating" medication, my cycle starts exactly every 4 weeks on Friday. When I say exactly, I mean more precise than a Which is the day before I weigh in. Yay. So for the past few months, regardless of what I've done or not done, I gain a smidgen that week. Luckily it's oober easy to lose the week after. This week I busted my little hump and lost 1.4. WOOT! Now with that momentum, I can drive straight into this week and hit it out of the park. Thought I'd throw that current sports reference cause I'm that cool. :)
After my fabulous weigh in, I went to the gym...for an hour! Dude, it was awesome! I did 35 minutes of cardio and about 30 minutes of weights/exercises. The only thing I don't really like about the weight room is it's filled with boys trying to be all buff and they all have mean GRR faces. Humph. They take this working out business so seriously! Please. Maybe it's true what Cyndi Lauper's song says: "Girls just wanna have FUN!" :) To each his (or her!) own I suppose. I have fun, so they can do whatever they want. :)
Last night I couldn't get to sleep until 3:30, so as you can imagine I didn't even wake up until after 11 this morning and I was all groggy. :| I laid in bed for a few hours watching TV and then I finally got up for one reason...to go to the gym. For another hour plus! I'm really loving the gym. I'm really feeling a lot stronger and I'm feeling like my muscles are starting to get back in shape and we'll just really be well off. I'm at that point in my weight loss where my muscle strength is going to matter a lot! I need to be as serious if not more about toning.
I'm going to get on my soapbox for a minute, and because it's my blog, I can do that :)
I have several friends who joined weight watchers with 10-15 pounds to lose to get to their goal weight. And do you know what they tell me the struggle they have is? It's not losing the weight. They struggle with the other people judging them for having so "little" to lose, that they can't feel accepted into a group of people dealing with the same issues. It saddens me that people who have struggled with whatever weight loss journey can't accept that someone may have less to lose, but doesn't have any less of the struggle. No one gets to be the person to judge someone else's journey as "less than". It's theirs, not yours, not mine. Everyone has their own struggles and their own ways of dealing with it. It's like when people tell me I don't have almost 30 more pounds to lose. I've had people be very adamant about it with me, try to argue with me. I've gotten to the point where I thank them for the compliment and go about my business. My secret is I dress well, so it's hard to tell...so I get that. But no one gets to be the judge of what happens to my body. That's all me. And I'll do the same for you. And for the record, I do have about 25-27 pounds to lose to get to goal.
Okay, now I'm off my soapbox all together. :)
With all this weight lifting and strength training, I have to remember my little speech above. I am not invincible. Rats! I have my own limitations and journey and abilities, and those will never match the macho boys at the gym. I know 5 pounds doesn't seem like much to be able to lift over my head, but how bout taking a gander at the 4 scars on my shoulder and cutting me some slack. That last statement....it was meant mostly at myself. I felt so weak doing the exercises with the 5 pound weights. The simple fact is, that's all I can lift over my head! That's the weakest motion I have. I can do a rowing motion with almost 30 pounds, but that took a lot of time. The truth is, I haven't really attempted motions going above my head in a while because I'm just so scared to death of hurting my shoulder, so I have some work to do. Slow work, but I'll get there. :)
I know I posted this somewhere, not sure if it was here, but I digress. Starting May 1st, I have to be awake at 5:30 to go to work. This semester I have been waking up closer to 8:30. So I made a plan. I wake up 7 minutes earlier every day and voila! May 1, 5:30 is easy! Well somehow last night I couldn't go to sleep until 3:30, so my whole day started about 4 hours too late. To avoid starting that cycle again because I'm WIDE awake right now, I'm going to take something for a couple days to right my sleep schedule and give me the lead on this going to bed and getting up earlier thing. I don't like to do this, and it was a last resort, but I can't be having these issues in 2 weeks.
I think I'm going to pursue the option of breaking these longer posts up into multiple posts. I'm just not really sure. But I'll mull that over and figure something out. :)
I think that's all for now. I've got a good bit rolling around in the old noggin', and I'll more than likely be writing about it in the next couple of days, but for now, I'm going to change my sheets, wind down with a movie that will make me sob, and go to bed. :)
Until next time,
:)
This past week I was up against the feeling of slight defeat from the weight gain last week and because of er "hormone regulating" medication, my cycle starts exactly every 4 weeks on Friday. When I say exactly, I mean more precise than a Which is the day before I weigh in. Yay. So for the past few months, regardless of what I've done or not done, I gain a smidgen that week. Luckily it's oober easy to lose the week after. This week I busted my little hump and lost 1.4. WOOT! Now with that momentum, I can drive straight into this week and hit it out of the park. Thought I'd throw that current sports reference cause I'm that cool. :)
After my fabulous weigh in, I went to the gym...for an hour! Dude, it was awesome! I did 35 minutes of cardio and about 30 minutes of weights/exercises. The only thing I don't really like about the weight room is it's filled with boys trying to be all buff and they all have mean GRR faces. Humph. They take this working out business so seriously! Please. Maybe it's true what Cyndi Lauper's song says: "Girls just wanna have FUN!" :) To each his (or her!) own I suppose. I have fun, so they can do whatever they want. :)
Last night I couldn't get to sleep until 3:30, so as you can imagine I didn't even wake up until after 11 this morning and I was all groggy. :| I laid in bed for a few hours watching TV and then I finally got up for one reason...to go to the gym. For another hour plus! I'm really loving the gym. I'm really feeling a lot stronger and I'm feeling like my muscles are starting to get back in shape and we'll just really be well off. I'm at that point in my weight loss where my muscle strength is going to matter a lot! I need to be as serious if not more about toning.
I'm going to get on my soapbox for a minute, and because it's my blog, I can do that :)
I have several friends who joined weight watchers with 10-15 pounds to lose to get to their goal weight. And do you know what they tell me the struggle they have is? It's not losing the weight. They struggle with the other people judging them for having so "little" to lose, that they can't feel accepted into a group of people dealing with the same issues. It saddens me that people who have struggled with whatever weight loss journey can't accept that someone may have less to lose, but doesn't have any less of the struggle. No one gets to be the person to judge someone else's journey as "less than". It's theirs, not yours, not mine. Everyone has their own struggles and their own ways of dealing with it. It's like when people tell me I don't have almost 30 more pounds to lose. I've had people be very adamant about it with me, try to argue with me. I've gotten to the point where I thank them for the compliment and go about my business. My secret is I dress well, so it's hard to tell...so I get that. But no one gets to be the judge of what happens to my body. That's all me. And I'll do the same for you. And for the record, I do have about 25-27 pounds to lose to get to goal.
Okay, now I'm off my soapbox all together. :)
With all this weight lifting and strength training, I have to remember my little speech above. I am not invincible. Rats! I have my own limitations and journey and abilities, and those will never match the macho boys at the gym. I know 5 pounds doesn't seem like much to be able to lift over my head, but how bout taking a gander at the 4 scars on my shoulder and cutting me some slack. That last statement....it was meant mostly at myself. I felt so weak doing the exercises with the 5 pound weights. The simple fact is, that's all I can lift over my head! That's the weakest motion I have. I can do a rowing motion with almost 30 pounds, but that took a lot of time. The truth is, I haven't really attempted motions going above my head in a while because I'm just so scared to death of hurting my shoulder, so I have some work to do. Slow work, but I'll get there. :)
I know I posted this somewhere, not sure if it was here, but I digress. Starting May 1st, I have to be awake at 5:30 to go to work. This semester I have been waking up closer to 8:30. So I made a plan. I wake up 7 minutes earlier every day and voila! May 1, 5:30 is easy! Well somehow last night I couldn't go to sleep until 3:30, so my whole day started about 4 hours too late. To avoid starting that cycle again because I'm WIDE awake right now, I'm going to take something for a couple days to right my sleep schedule and give me the lead on this going to bed and getting up earlier thing. I don't like to do this, and it was a last resort, but I can't be having these issues in 2 weeks.
I think I'm going to pursue the option of breaking these longer posts up into multiple posts. I'm just not really sure. But I'll mull that over and figure something out. :)
I think that's all for now. I've got a good bit rolling around in the old noggin', and I'll more than likely be writing about it in the next couple of days, but for now, I'm going to change my sheets, wind down with a movie that will make me sob, and go to bed. :)
Until next time,
:)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Can you put a number on depression?
Well? I can and I will: 3.6 pounds. This is the amount of weight I gained last week. This I believe is in most part to an unparalleled depression last week. You might have seen my last post. I am choosing not to reread it right now. Not really sure what's in it to be honest, and I'm pretty sure I can't handle it right now. I'm not just talking about being a little blue. I'm talking about 0 motivation or ability to get out of bed. Thank goodness I drink plenty of water at night! Didn't want to work. Didn't want to see anyone, do anything, or go anywhere. And so, other than the required school and work, I didn't. And that just continued the cycle. I get depressed, so I seclude myself and get all sad looking. Then I get lonely. Then I get depressed because I'm lonely. You see where this cycle is going. It's very similar to the weight cycle. Eat emotionally. Get depressed for eating emotionally and making bad choices. Eat depression....see? I think the depression was I hadn't finished grieving. Grieving different things, all of which are regarding interpersonal relationships, but none of which I'll go into in detail. So I gained 3.6 pounds. It's my fault!
Walking/running helps cheer me up, and I've had a really good week so far. I've run every day since Friday. Then today came and I'm tired because in the last 7 days, 2 have been chalk full of class and the remaining 5 I have worked. I'm working myself into the ground because I have no choice. I have no cushion and I have to break even. I know how many hours that will take, and it's doable, but I'll certainly be tired.
I'll make it. It certainly won't be FUN, but I'll survive. I already have a plan for this summer when I can rebuild my cushion, get some of these debts taken care of and be better prepared for next year.
You might be thinking: if you had a plan last year and that went awry, what makes you think this plan will work better? The answer is it's not in the plan. It's in the execution. You could build the best budget the world has ever seen, but if you don't spend money according to it, it's totally pointless (case in point: my life the last year). Dave Ramsey says: "Children do what feels good. Adults devise a plan and follow it." So that's the difference. Because I've experienced having to resort to counting pennies and calculate taxes so what I need at Wal-Mart doesn't go over $25 because that's all I had on a gift card, and it totally STINKS. I like not having to worry about how much a bag of potato chips cost. So I devised a plan, and by golly, I'm going to follow it! Working well so far. It feels really nice to be in control. Saying no to myself so I can say YES later :)
This whole school full time thing was an adjustment in more than one way. You may have noticed I don't adjust well to change. Well that's not totally true, but my ability to adapt has the speed of...well a glacier. I'm working on that too. All this personal growth, amazing I don't have the mental hiccups! :)
The good news is this week for the most part I'm back on weight loss plan. Gaining is the wrong direction. I'm not going to make excuses for myself, feel sorry for myself, or throw a pity party and lead into gaining half the weight back like I did before. It's best to understand what happened and try to make adjustments quickly to make sure the spiral doesn't have time to get started. So far, so good. This fabulous weather DEFINITELY helps!
I've had a couple rough points this week, but nothing like eating animal crackers dipped in half a container of icing. Yup, that actually happened. Reminds me of my weight gaining days. The days when I was in total denial it was actually happening.
Today, I did not feel like running, and I really wanted to whine about it. So instead I made a compromise with myself (mark this day in history - this is Ripley's Believe it or Not worthy!). I told myself I could just walk today. If the mood to run struck me, great, if not, I got exercise walking and I got to enjoy the outdoors. So I did. I started walking and I never got in the mood to run, but I ended up walking 5 miles thank you so much which is nothing to sneeze at. And thanks to daily Zyrtec, I'm literally not sneezing :) At a 16 min pace too. Not too shabby if I say so myself. This adds up to me exercising for almost an hour and a half. That's twice as long as if I had been running. And I was chatting on the phone with a wonderful friend of mine who was keeping me company for more than a half hour of it, which means my lungs were getting a double workout. Brilliant. :)
I'm thinking some of the British slang might start creeping in so I'll warn you: I've been watching a large amount of British comedy lately, so much so that you know when you think but it's like you're saying it, but in your mind? Well, now mine's in a British accent. I even catch myself mimicking the words they say on the show. It's quite amusing actually. (WOW that sounded good in a British accent) :) And yes, I have so recorded my voice in a British accent. And then laughed hysterically at the result. Not half bad, but still amusing. :)
I think that's enough for tonight. I discovered in order to be able to start waking up for work at 5:30 starting May 1 (compared to 8:30 now), I need to wake up 7 minutes earlier every day. This is working out well so far, but it's been my realization that it is necessary to go to bed 7 minutes earlier as well to accommodate. And get used to the hours.
If all else fails, I'll just reorient my sleep schedule with trusty sleep medication. A last resort, but I am not above it since I know it works. Don't worry, it's the soft stuff. HA! :)
Until next time,
:)
Walking/running helps cheer me up, and I've had a really good week so far. I've run every day since Friday. Then today came and I'm tired because in the last 7 days, 2 have been chalk full of class and the remaining 5 I have worked. I'm working myself into the ground because I have no choice. I have no cushion and I have to break even. I know how many hours that will take, and it's doable, but I'll certainly be tired.
I'll make it. It certainly won't be FUN, but I'll survive. I already have a plan for this summer when I can rebuild my cushion, get some of these debts taken care of and be better prepared for next year.
You might be thinking: if you had a plan last year and that went awry, what makes you think this plan will work better? The answer is it's not in the plan. It's in the execution. You could build the best budget the world has ever seen, but if you don't spend money according to it, it's totally pointless (case in point: my life the last year). Dave Ramsey says: "Children do what feels good. Adults devise a plan and follow it." So that's the difference. Because I've experienced having to resort to counting pennies and calculate taxes so what I need at Wal-Mart doesn't go over $25 because that's all I had on a gift card, and it totally STINKS. I like not having to worry about how much a bag of potato chips cost. So I devised a plan, and by golly, I'm going to follow it! Working well so far. It feels really nice to be in control. Saying no to myself so I can say YES later :)
This whole school full time thing was an adjustment in more than one way. You may have noticed I don't adjust well to change. Well that's not totally true, but my ability to adapt has the speed of...well a glacier. I'm working on that too. All this personal growth, amazing I don't have the mental hiccups! :)
The good news is this week for the most part I'm back on weight loss plan. Gaining is the wrong direction. I'm not going to make excuses for myself, feel sorry for myself, or throw a pity party and lead into gaining half the weight back like I did before. It's best to understand what happened and try to make adjustments quickly to make sure the spiral doesn't have time to get started. So far, so good. This fabulous weather DEFINITELY helps!
I've had a couple rough points this week, but nothing like eating animal crackers dipped in half a container of icing. Yup, that actually happened. Reminds me of my weight gaining days. The days when I was in total denial it was actually happening.
Today, I did not feel like running, and I really wanted to whine about it. So instead I made a compromise with myself (mark this day in history - this is Ripley's Believe it or Not worthy!). I told myself I could just walk today. If the mood to run struck me, great, if not, I got exercise walking and I got to enjoy the outdoors. So I did. I started walking and I never got in the mood to run, but I ended up walking 5 miles thank you so much which is nothing to sneeze at. And thanks to daily Zyrtec, I'm literally not sneezing :) At a 16 min pace too. Not too shabby if I say so myself. This adds up to me exercising for almost an hour and a half. That's twice as long as if I had been running. And I was chatting on the phone with a wonderful friend of mine who was keeping me company for more than a half hour of it, which means my lungs were getting a double workout. Brilliant. :)
I'm thinking some of the British slang might start creeping in so I'll warn you: I've been watching a large amount of British comedy lately, so much so that you know when you think but it's like you're saying it, but in your mind? Well, now mine's in a British accent. I even catch myself mimicking the words they say on the show. It's quite amusing actually. (WOW that sounded good in a British accent) :) And yes, I have so recorded my voice in a British accent. And then laughed hysterically at the result. Not half bad, but still amusing. :)
I think that's enough for tonight. I discovered in order to be able to start waking up for work at 5:30 starting May 1 (compared to 8:30 now), I need to wake up 7 minutes earlier every day. This is working out well so far, but it's been my realization that it is necessary to go to bed 7 minutes earlier as well to accommodate. And get used to the hours.
If all else fails, I'll just reorient my sleep schedule with trusty sleep medication. A last resort, but I am not above it since I know it works. Don't worry, it's the soft stuff. HA! :)
Until next time,
:)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Perspective is almost everything
As a disclaimer of sorts, I think this post is all over the place, and very psychologically bent, but I don't know, I didn't read over it after I wrote it. I say that to say if it doesn't make any sense, that makes sense. :)
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's a lot to be said for having, and being able to correctly use, perspective. I can sometimes exercise good perspective, but many times, it's hindsight. I truly admire people who have this gift, though I rarely say so because that would mean admitting someone else knows more than I do, which of course is true, but who wants to admit that.
The bit of hindsight I'll offer myself is over the last few months, I've let boys distract me. I don't use the term men because none of them were, and none deserving of the time in which I invested. That's not arrogance, that's the truth. I put a lot of effort into a lot of boys. Trying to impress them, make them like me, etc. Effort that was wasted, none of them are still around, and it didn't take long. It's for the better anyways. While I may have felt good around these people, I was nowhere near happy, or content. These were not boys I could imagine reading the paper with on a lazy weekend morning, sipping coffee while watching television.
It took someone with perspective, someone I truly admire to really shine the light on what I think in the back of my mind I already knew. These boys were not going to respect me, and were not worthy of my time. He would know too.
This got me thinking, and I realized something. I had gotten so excited about the test run of the new, confident me that I took the car out on the interstate too soon. And as a result, I ended up losing a bit of myself in the pursuit of others, and ended up feeling broken, confused, and a little bit lost.
My weight loss has been declining over the last two months. The numbers are still negative, but I only lost 1.4 in March. This was not the goal. The goal was for me to be happy. And I think in order to do that, I need to go back to being happy in who I really am, and find someone who knows that from the get-go and likes me for that person. Not some superficial flirt who makes their needs more important than her own. I need to go back to the girl I found at the end of last year that said to heck (although I used another word :) with anyone else, I'm most important in this circus!
Once I get caught up in something, it's hard for me to pull back and focus. I'm truly glad this friend of mine will look me dead in the eye and say "What are you doing?!?!" and mean it in love. I've thanked him for this, and though he may never read this, I'll thank him here too.
Certain things in my life had to happen the way they did. I try not to have any regrets, but I will always wonder if I did the right thing. I created my life to be very independent and the vast majority of the time, alone. There are times, like today, that I feel lonely. I miss feeling happy with a significant other who I could share life with. Someone who has a large amount of perspective that came with life experience, and shared that with me. Someone who had a different opinion than mine, but wasn't oppressive about it. Someone with whom, I was able to be myself, and that took a long time to come about.
I know this sounds very vague, and maybe it is. Sometimes loneliness is a weird feeling. It makes you not tired after midnight, and understand the meaning of fourth meal. It kind of fills you with a sadness that if expressed (like I am doing now, while I type) will eventually be resolved. Sometimes I think loneliness is unresolved grieving from the loss of someone in our lives (not literal, just a change in interpersonal relationships).
I enjoy being alone. Talking to myself while I walk around an empty apartment, listening to music from the other room. There are also times when I long to be able to curl up on the couch under a blanket snuggled in someones arms. Comforted, safe, protected, taken care of. Can't have it both ways, at least not right now, so I get to be alone. And today I just had a lot of thoughts, so I had a conversation with my Twitter account. 20 tweets in a matter of a couple hours. I wanted to say these trivial things to someone, observations in life mostly, and so I did. I only have 21 followers, and most may not ever read my tweets, but that doesn't matter, I feel like I conversed with the world, spoke to someone.
I'm not sure if it's the feelings or late hour causing the hunger, but in the last hour, I've eaten an entire bag of popcorn, a little candy, full cup of water, and my stomach is still growling. Maybe I'm just tired. Seems lately I can't get to sleep before 11pm. This will be an issue when I go back to work this summer. I'll have to start getting up between 5:30 and 6:30 compared with the 8-8:30 I get up now, even on school days. I think I need to start training myself to go to sleep earlier, by giving going to bed a little bit earlier every night the old college try. If that's ineffective, I'm not above using a sleep aid to right my sleep schedule. If I'm not able to conquer going to bed and waking up earlier, my productivity will continue to slide, and I'm pretty sure my boss will not appreciate that. That, and I don't like being sleepy.
I don't really know where some of the stuff in this post came from, but the fingers went to the keys and now I'm yawning, so that's a sign something worked and I can now get some sleep.
Until next time (when hopefully I'll be more cheery!),
:)
-------------------------------------------------------------
There's a lot to be said for having, and being able to correctly use, perspective. I can sometimes exercise good perspective, but many times, it's hindsight. I truly admire people who have this gift, though I rarely say so because that would mean admitting someone else knows more than I do, which of course is true, but who wants to admit that.
The bit of hindsight I'll offer myself is over the last few months, I've let boys distract me. I don't use the term men because none of them were, and none deserving of the time in which I invested. That's not arrogance, that's the truth. I put a lot of effort into a lot of boys. Trying to impress them, make them like me, etc. Effort that was wasted, none of them are still around, and it didn't take long. It's for the better anyways. While I may have felt good around these people, I was nowhere near happy, or content. These were not boys I could imagine reading the paper with on a lazy weekend morning, sipping coffee while watching television.
It took someone with perspective, someone I truly admire to really shine the light on what I think in the back of my mind I already knew. These boys were not going to respect me, and were not worthy of my time. He would know too.
This got me thinking, and I realized something. I had gotten so excited about the test run of the new, confident me that I took the car out on the interstate too soon. And as a result, I ended up losing a bit of myself in the pursuit of others, and ended up feeling broken, confused, and a little bit lost.
My weight loss has been declining over the last two months. The numbers are still negative, but I only lost 1.4 in March. This was not the goal. The goal was for me to be happy. And I think in order to do that, I need to go back to being happy in who I really am, and find someone who knows that from the get-go and likes me for that person. Not some superficial flirt who makes their needs more important than her own. I need to go back to the girl I found at the end of last year that said to heck (although I used another word :) with anyone else, I'm most important in this circus!
Once I get caught up in something, it's hard for me to pull back and focus. I'm truly glad this friend of mine will look me dead in the eye and say "What are you doing?!?!" and mean it in love. I've thanked him for this, and though he may never read this, I'll thank him here too.
Certain things in my life had to happen the way they did. I try not to have any regrets, but I will always wonder if I did the right thing. I created my life to be very independent and the vast majority of the time, alone. There are times, like today, that I feel lonely. I miss feeling happy with a significant other who I could share life with. Someone who has a large amount of perspective that came with life experience, and shared that with me. Someone who had a different opinion than mine, but wasn't oppressive about it. Someone with whom, I was able to be myself, and that took a long time to come about.
I know this sounds very vague, and maybe it is. Sometimes loneliness is a weird feeling. It makes you not tired after midnight, and understand the meaning of fourth meal. It kind of fills you with a sadness that if expressed (like I am doing now, while I type) will eventually be resolved. Sometimes I think loneliness is unresolved grieving from the loss of someone in our lives (not literal, just a change in interpersonal relationships).
I enjoy being alone. Talking to myself while I walk around an empty apartment, listening to music from the other room. There are also times when I long to be able to curl up on the couch under a blanket snuggled in someones arms. Comforted, safe, protected, taken care of. Can't have it both ways, at least not right now, so I get to be alone. And today I just had a lot of thoughts, so I had a conversation with my Twitter account. 20 tweets in a matter of a couple hours. I wanted to say these trivial things to someone, observations in life mostly, and so I did. I only have 21 followers, and most may not ever read my tweets, but that doesn't matter, I feel like I conversed with the world, spoke to someone.
I'm not sure if it's the feelings or late hour causing the hunger, but in the last hour, I've eaten an entire bag of popcorn, a little candy, full cup of water, and my stomach is still growling. Maybe I'm just tired. Seems lately I can't get to sleep before 11pm. This will be an issue when I go back to work this summer. I'll have to start getting up between 5:30 and 6:30 compared with the 8-8:30 I get up now, even on school days. I think I need to start training myself to go to sleep earlier, by giving going to bed a little bit earlier every night the old college try. If that's ineffective, I'm not above using a sleep aid to right my sleep schedule. If I'm not able to conquer going to bed and waking up earlier, my productivity will continue to slide, and I'm pretty sure my boss will not appreciate that. That, and I don't like being sleepy.
I don't really know where some of the stuff in this post came from, but the fingers went to the keys and now I'm yawning, so that's a sign something worked and I can now get some sleep.
Until next time (when hopefully I'll be more cheery!),
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)