Occasionally, I get the hair-brained idea to bring something into my otherwise-controlled environment that will tempt me. I then get this mindset of first guilt, then I think I have to devour the whole bit of whatever it was to prevent it from torturing me in the near future. Heaven forbid I spread the goodness out so I can actually enjoy it.
Girl Scout Cookies. 'nuff said.
:)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
When you add it all up...
I got a wild hair this morning. I decided I would look over my 2.5 years in Weight Watchers and add up all the times I lost weight and see how much I've lost total. Not just how far I am from where I started (Which, by the way, is 28.4 pounds....went back under 30 last week and still haven't cracked 35 in months ::sigh::) but I digress. I have 61 weeks of losses, totaling 112.6 pounds. Which means I've done 84.2 pounds of flip-flopping.
I've decided I'm done telling myself what I can and cannot eat. It doesn't work. Period. I'm going back to basics. You know, the tracking stuff THAT WORKS. The absolute majority of those losses was because of tracking, which shouldn't surprise me after 2 1/2 years. (Can you believe it?!?!?!)
I'll blog more often and let you know how it goes. I'm running (haha) out of patience and ideas...
Until next time,
:)
I've decided I'm done telling myself what I can and cannot eat. It doesn't work. Period. I'm going back to basics. You know, the tracking stuff THAT WORKS. The absolute majority of those losses was because of tracking, which shouldn't surprise me after 2 1/2 years. (Can you believe it?!?!?!)
I'll blog more often and let you know how it goes. I'm running (haha) out of patience and ideas...
Until next time,
:)
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I am me and I am OK
I was exposed to this idea through indirect exposure to the 12 step recovery process. I've seen it since I was 8, but not even been able to utter it much less actually believe it until the...well if I'll be real honest, the last year. And that's largely possible thanks to my boyfriend for spending the last year making me believe it (It's hard to believe it's been a year, it's been one heck of a good year :) )
I have spent most of my life not being good enough. And by good enough, I mean perfect. At least that was my perception. Could it have been my own expectations I wasn't meeting? Sure, and some of them were (and still are).
I also, until the last couple of years, never learned how to really feel feelings (maybe that was my fault too, I'm not pushing blame here, just saying what is), so that has been (as you may be VERY aware by now) the crux of my weight loss issue, and the purpose, for the most part, of this blog, but I digress.
When you have a combination of perfect expectations and no emotions, everything is always fine, there's a permanent mask. I oozed so much confidence it made me sick because I was the world's most insecure person on the inside. I second guess everything I say, everything I do. Codependent to a fault. Feelings are stuffed, no tears, and nothing ever lives up to standards. Well to make a long story short: what happens when you shake a soda then open it?
I have been successful in being less in the full mask all the time extreme, but in order to succeed, it definitely went back on, and it worked, I was able to do amazing things with that mask, and with my perfect expectations. There's always room to improve that way.
I'll give you an example: yesterday, I ran a 5k. With an additional hill and in the rain. I ran it 43 seconds slower than Dec 31st, and I truly had the nerve to be upset. I still kind of am. I should be celebrating because I finished and ran the whole thing, but that was my goal for the last one, this time, that goal simply wasn't good enough, my goal was to beat my time! I have a race this Saturday, but I almost get a handicap...it will be all flat (as far as I know), so if I don't beat my Dec 31st time, I'll REALLY be mad at myself, but I digress...again.
The point I'm trying to make here is as it would turn out, when I consistently set impossible to reach expectations, and don't allow feelings, I'm bound to get insecure and mad at myself, because who wouldn't if you considered yourself a failure/not good enough time after time? How incredibly depressing am I? I'm sure I'm so much fun to be around when I get like that, and those feelings are a lot easier to run away from if you don't have a witness (if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around.....). I'm not running this time. And that means I get to deal with my "stuff" (recovery term for skeletons in one's closet). Turns out healing isn't a one and done kind of thing, some scars take longer to heal, and have to be dealt with more than once. You can't just deal with one and be over them all, either, you have to take one by one, when they arise and hope you have a good enough head on your shoulders to recognize and start healing. Sure, there are times that I'm able to tell myself I'm OK, and HOPEFULLY, those times are greater in number than the times I'm not. But I have to be allowed to work through the times I'm not, or I'll just continue to stuff and be mad at myself, and that will feed a vicious cycle.
I feel like I need one of those disclaimer signs you see in stores doing construction: pardon our mess while we build a better shopping experience. Rephrased: pardon my mess while I build a better me... preparing for version 24.0 :)
I am me, and I am OK. I'm better than OK, I'm awesome, JUST THE WAY I AM!!! :)
Until next time,
:)
I have spent most of my life not being good enough. And by good enough, I mean perfect. At least that was my perception. Could it have been my own expectations I wasn't meeting? Sure, and some of them were (and still are).
I also, until the last couple of years, never learned how to really feel feelings (maybe that was my fault too, I'm not pushing blame here, just saying what is), so that has been (as you may be VERY aware by now) the crux of my weight loss issue, and the purpose, for the most part, of this blog, but I digress.
When you have a combination of perfect expectations and no emotions, everything is always fine, there's a permanent mask. I oozed so much confidence it made me sick because I was the world's most insecure person on the inside. I second guess everything I say, everything I do. Codependent to a fault. Feelings are stuffed, no tears, and nothing ever lives up to standards. Well to make a long story short: what happens when you shake a soda then open it?
I have been successful in being less in the full mask all the time extreme, but in order to succeed, it definitely went back on, and it worked, I was able to do amazing things with that mask, and with my perfect expectations. There's always room to improve that way.
I'll give you an example: yesterday, I ran a 5k. With an additional hill and in the rain. I ran it 43 seconds slower than Dec 31st, and I truly had the nerve to be upset. I still kind of am. I should be celebrating because I finished and ran the whole thing, but that was my goal for the last one, this time, that goal simply wasn't good enough, my goal was to beat my time! I have a race this Saturday, but I almost get a handicap...it will be all flat (as far as I know), so if I don't beat my Dec 31st time, I'll REALLY be mad at myself, but I digress...again.
The point I'm trying to make here is as it would turn out, when I consistently set impossible to reach expectations, and don't allow feelings, I'm bound to get insecure and mad at myself, because who wouldn't if you considered yourself a failure/not good enough time after time? How incredibly depressing am I? I'm sure I'm so much fun to be around when I get like that, and those feelings are a lot easier to run away from if you don't have a witness (if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around.....). I'm not running this time. And that means I get to deal with my "stuff" (recovery term for skeletons in one's closet). Turns out healing isn't a one and done kind of thing, some scars take longer to heal, and have to be dealt with more than once. You can't just deal with one and be over them all, either, you have to take one by one, when they arise and hope you have a good enough head on your shoulders to recognize and start healing. Sure, there are times that I'm able to tell myself I'm OK, and HOPEFULLY, those times are greater in number than the times I'm not. But I have to be allowed to work through the times I'm not, or I'll just continue to stuff and be mad at myself, and that will feed a vicious cycle.
I feel like I need one of those disclaimer signs you see in stores doing construction: pardon our mess while we build a better shopping experience. Rephrased: pardon my mess while I build a better me... preparing for version 24.0 :)
I am me, and I am OK. I'm better than OK, I'm awesome, JUST THE WAY I AM!!! :)
Until next time,
:)
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