I think this time of year is what really gets me all worked up. Today, I'm going to think positive. But first I'm going to get a few negative things out of the way:
I'm tired. I work too much. My feet hurt (thanks to running around in heels all day). Christmas can't come early enough, or be far enough away. I'm tired. Oh, I mentioned that last one twice.
Now let's get to the positive. I feel better about myself today. I found an outfit that, quite frankly, I felt smokin' in :)
I was in a work groove, I got so much accomplished today.
One week from this Saturday, I will run a 5K. The whole thing. I'm very excited! It will kick off the new year right!
I'm going to turn in for the night, busy day already set for tomorrow.
Until next time,
:)
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
One day I'll be okay with myself. Warning: today is NOT that day.
First order of business, a catch-up review of the last few weeks, and reminder to self that I need to post more often. After my maintaining stint, I lost .6 then gained 2.2 then lost .6 then gained 2.2 this past week. And I feel gross, to be perfectly honest. ::sigh:: I feel like I'm taking myself back into the pendulum again, and I can already see the same results as the last time: a lot of frustration, tears, and more time wasted.
In my last blog post, I said I was going to run 1.75 miles if it killed me because that was what the training plan said. Well, I ran 3.25!!! Unfortunately, it was 3.25 miles in one direction: AWAY from my car. So then I had to walk the 3.5 miles back to my car. Boy oh boy was I in pain afterwards! But I did it! I ran the 5K distance + some!! Then I recovered for a week :)
Then last Sunday, I went downtown and ran 3.10 exactly, and that included 2 hills. I mastered this feat in 34:15, maintaining around an 11:03 pace approx. I basically ran the route for the 5K I am running on December 31st. That was exciting!
Something happened the last two-three weeks. I got depressed, almost scary depressed. Didn't want to do anything except lay in bed, did so all weekend and slept and then was exhausted. Didn't understand that one. Gloomy Gus Leigh was very confused. Maybe it's the season, maybe its just the way I am, and I'm going through a difficulty, or working through some of my "stuff", who really knows. All I know is I cried all the time for no reason and didn't want to do anything. Well, except eat. Joy. I have gotten a little sidetracked from my diet plans, and I can tell a difference.
Then I seemed to get out of my funk, and was happy for a few days this week, up to, well right now. I'm fighting tears. What changed? Yesterday I got a massage and spent time with friends, and had tons of fun! Today, I got to hang out with my boyfriend, and we took some pictures, and ta DA. There it is. I was feeling very proud of myself for looking so cute in my cute dress, until I looked at the pictures of myself, and all I could/can think is how unhappy with my current self I am, how fat I think I look (and in some pictures, how pregnant I look - WHICH that is not a bad way to look, if you are, but I'm not....I'm trying desperately not to offend anyone with that sentence). 100% want to change, 0% pure motivation. All I want to do now is sulk.
Then I came home and was trying to find a cute outfit for tomorrow and failed, nothing fits like I want it too, because I've gained weight the last few weeks, and so now I'll probably just hide.
I was only a couple pounds away from hitting the lowest weight in my weight loss journey, the weight I haven't achieved since July a year ago, and what did I do? Sabotaged it. Same old story, over and over. Now I'm frustrated, and I feel defeated. And fat.
I had decided that while eating gluten and corn free was very helpful to my weight loss, and made me feel better, it wasn't "practical" or "financially friendly" and so I decided to scoot away from it a little, I was still going to mostly maintain that lifestyle, but not be gung-ho. Well, I knew what that was before I even started, a self-justification to eat whatever I wanted, and however much of it I wanted. I've eaten gluten and corn all weekend! I have no self control.
So executive decision: back to gluten and corn free. I don't care if I have to wake up an hour earlier and if it kills me financially. Feeling crappy isn't really worth a little convenience and money saved. I think it comes down to I just wanted to be able to eat like everyone else and for once not experience consequences. Well, I just have to face that I'm different. And maybe one day I'll be okay with that.
I'm sure this has just been a peach to read, and I apologize for that. Maybe when I pick myself back up, I'll post a happy post.
Until next time,
L
In my last blog post, I said I was going to run 1.75 miles if it killed me because that was what the training plan said. Well, I ran 3.25!!! Unfortunately, it was 3.25 miles in one direction: AWAY from my car. So then I had to walk the 3.5 miles back to my car. Boy oh boy was I in pain afterwards! But I did it! I ran the 5K distance + some!! Then I recovered for a week :)
Then last Sunday, I went downtown and ran 3.10 exactly, and that included 2 hills. I mastered this feat in 34:15, maintaining around an 11:03 pace approx. I basically ran the route for the 5K I am running on December 31st. That was exciting!
Something happened the last two-three weeks. I got depressed, almost scary depressed. Didn't want to do anything except lay in bed, did so all weekend and slept and then was exhausted. Didn't understand that one. Gloomy Gus Leigh was very confused. Maybe it's the season, maybe its just the way I am, and I'm going through a difficulty, or working through some of my "stuff", who really knows. All I know is I cried all the time for no reason and didn't want to do anything. Well, except eat. Joy. I have gotten a little sidetracked from my diet plans, and I can tell a difference.
Then I seemed to get out of my funk, and was happy for a few days this week, up to, well right now. I'm fighting tears. What changed? Yesterday I got a massage and spent time with friends, and had tons of fun! Today, I got to hang out with my boyfriend, and we took some pictures, and ta DA. There it is. I was feeling very proud of myself for looking so cute in my cute dress, until I looked at the pictures of myself, and all I could/can think is how unhappy with my current self I am, how fat I think I look (and in some pictures, how pregnant I look - WHICH that is not a bad way to look, if you are, but I'm not....I'm trying desperately not to offend anyone with that sentence). 100% want to change, 0% pure motivation. All I want to do now is sulk.
Then I came home and was trying to find a cute outfit for tomorrow and failed, nothing fits like I want it too, because I've gained weight the last few weeks, and so now I'll probably just hide.
I was only a couple pounds away from hitting the lowest weight in my weight loss journey, the weight I haven't achieved since July a year ago, and what did I do? Sabotaged it. Same old story, over and over. Now I'm frustrated, and I feel defeated. And fat.
I had decided that while eating gluten and corn free was very helpful to my weight loss, and made me feel better, it wasn't "practical" or "financially friendly" and so I decided to scoot away from it a little, I was still going to mostly maintain that lifestyle, but not be gung-ho. Well, I knew what that was before I even started, a self-justification to eat whatever I wanted, and however much of it I wanted. I've eaten gluten and corn all weekend! I have no self control.
So executive decision: back to gluten and corn free. I don't care if I have to wake up an hour earlier and if it kills me financially. Feeling crappy isn't really worth a little convenience and money saved. I think it comes down to I just wanted to be able to eat like everyone else and for once not experience consequences. Well, I just have to face that I'm different. And maybe one day I'll be okay with that.
I'm sure this has just been a peach to read, and I apologize for that. Maybe when I pick myself back up, I'll post a happy post.
Until next time,
L
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)