As a disclaimer of sorts, I think this post is all over the place, and very psychologically bent, but I don't know, I didn't read over it after I wrote it. I say that to say if it doesn't make any sense, that makes sense. :)
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There's a lot to be said for having, and being able to correctly use, perspective. I can sometimes exercise good perspective, but many times, it's hindsight. I truly admire people who have this gift, though I rarely say so because that would mean admitting someone else knows more than I do, which of course is true, but who wants to admit that.
The bit of hindsight I'll offer myself is over the last few months, I've let boys distract me. I don't use the term men because none of them were, and none deserving of the time in which I invested. That's not arrogance, that's the truth. I put a lot of effort into a lot of boys. Trying to impress them, make them like me, etc. Effort that was wasted, none of them are still around, and it didn't take long. It's for the better anyways. While I may have felt good around these people, I was nowhere near happy, or content. These were not boys I could imagine reading the paper with on a lazy weekend morning, sipping coffee while watching television.
It took someone with perspective, someone I truly admire to really shine the light on what I think in the back of my mind I already knew. These boys were not going to respect me, and were not worthy of my time. He would know too.
This got me thinking, and I realized something. I had gotten so excited about the test run of the new, confident me that I took the car out on the interstate too soon. And as a result, I ended up losing a bit of myself in the pursuit of others, and ended up feeling broken, confused, and a little bit lost.
My weight loss has been declining over the last two months. The numbers are still negative, but I only lost 1.4 in March. This was not the goal. The goal was for me to be happy. And I think in order to do that, I need to go back to being happy in who I really am, and find someone who knows that from the get-go and likes me for that person. Not some superficial flirt who makes their needs more important than her own. I need to go back to the girl I found at the end of last year that said to heck (although I used another word :) with anyone else, I'm most important in this circus!
Once I get caught up in something, it's hard for me to pull back and focus. I'm truly glad this friend of mine will look me dead in the eye and say "What are you doing?!?!" and mean it in love. I've thanked him for this, and though he may never read this, I'll thank him here too.
Certain things in my life had to happen the way they did. I try not to have any regrets, but I will always wonder if I did the right thing. I created my life to be very independent and the vast majority of the time, alone. There are times, like today, that I feel lonely. I miss feeling happy with a significant other who I could share life with. Someone who has a large amount of perspective that came with life experience, and shared that with me. Someone who had a different opinion than mine, but wasn't oppressive about it. Someone with whom, I was able to be myself, and that took a long time to come about.
I know this sounds very vague, and maybe it is. Sometimes loneliness is a weird feeling. It makes you not tired after midnight, and understand the meaning of fourth meal. It kind of fills you with a sadness that if expressed (like I am doing now, while I type) will eventually be resolved. Sometimes I think loneliness is unresolved grieving from the loss of someone in our lives (not literal, just a change in interpersonal relationships).
I enjoy being alone. Talking to myself while I walk around an empty apartment, listening to music from the other room. There are also times when I long to be able to curl up on the couch under a blanket snuggled in someones arms. Comforted, safe, protected, taken care of. Can't have it both ways, at least not right now, so I get to be alone. And today I just had a lot of thoughts, so I had a conversation with my Twitter account. 20 tweets in a matter of a couple hours. I wanted to say these trivial things to someone, observations in life mostly, and so I did. I only have 21 followers, and most may not ever read my tweets, but that doesn't matter, I feel like I conversed with the world, spoke to someone.
I'm not sure if it's the feelings or late hour causing the hunger, but in the last hour, I've eaten an entire bag of popcorn, a little candy, full cup of water, and my stomach is still growling. Maybe I'm just tired. Seems lately I can't get to sleep before 11pm. This will be an issue when I go back to work this summer. I'll have to start getting up between 5:30 and 6:30 compared with the 8-8:30 I get up now, even on school days. I think I need to start training myself to go to sleep earlier, by giving going to bed a little bit earlier every night the old college try. If that's ineffective, I'm not above using a sleep aid to right my sleep schedule. If I'm not able to conquer going to bed and waking up earlier, my productivity will continue to slide, and I'm pretty sure my boss will not appreciate that. That, and I don't like being sleepy.
I don't really know where some of the stuff in this post came from, but the fingers went to the keys and now I'm yawning, so that's a sign something worked and I can now get some sleep.
Until next time (when hopefully I'll be more cheery!),
:)
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