Hold the phone, is this what emotions are? I don't think I'm a fan.

Seems leaving me alone has inspired much thought, followed by an emotionally moving movie, followed by exhaustion caused by heat, caused by can't sleep because my shoulder hurts. Like crazy hurts. Maybe typing isn't the best remedy. So now I'm feeling. Something my therapist would just love. Can't say right now I feel the same.

Okay, so here it is. The big emotion. I finally found it after over a week of searching.

I'm scared. Crazy scared.

I'm scared the something's going to go wrong. I'm scared it isn't going to work. I'm scared of being completely and totally dependent on other people for the better part of at least a week. The only thing that's been going through my head the last few days is a list of things I'm not going to be able to do for who knows how long. I'm scared that I'll lose a part of myself worrying even if it does work that I'll be too worried of hurting it again that I'll quit doing things I love. For instance, bowling. I LOVE bowling! I'm almost certain bowling was what did it in the very beginning, followed by ice skating and the flood. Right now, I'm so scared of re-injuring my shoulder I'm about to swear it off. I'm scared that once they get in my shoulder it's gotten worse, something else totally different has sprung up, and they have to do something crazy.

I've completely lost sight of all the positive outcomes. Like a chance at a pain-free existence. I don't even know if I remember what that feels like. Like a week off to sleep. Like a chance to actually GET BETTER instead of worse.

I'm scared that I won't be able to work as efficiently, at least for a few weeks (a long time!) with only the use of my left arm and then the limited use of my right arm for an undetermined period of time.

I'm so scared and in constant, throbbing pain, I'm sitting on my bathroom floor sobbing and blogging. The next question is why don't you take something for the pain if it's that bad? Well the answer is, surgery is in 33.5 hours, I haven't been able to take anything since 5 days ago. Nothing except Tylenol, which doesn't do s*-....anything.

Maybe all this stems from being in the sun too long during the hottest part of the day. I'm going to get a wicked tan out of it, but I've been far too thirsty all day. I've been practically mainlining water and it's absorbing, not going through.

Can someone pat my hand lovingly and tell me it's all going to be okay? I feel like I've reverted back to a five year old who's scared of the dark, but on a global scale.

They ask you in the pre-surgery questions if you have a will set up. I mean, wow, this is the real deal. Crazy real.

I'm going to finish feeling this out so I can try to sleep in the dark (one of my all-time greatest fears) because my night light doesn't work.

Until next time,
:(