I really feel like throwing in the towel.

Okay, those of you who know me know I'm a fan of disclaimer.  I have one on a bumper sticker for crying out loud.  So here's this post's disclaimer: I am going to complain.  A lot.  This whole post is going to be one big whine session.  I'm at the point where I want to stomp my foot like a 5 year old and throw a temper tantrum.  OK, so now you're warned, here it goes:

I gained 3.4 pounds this week.  I've been dancing 5 pounds on either side of 30 pounds lost for months.  Gain lose gain lose gain lose.  Or my favorite, lose two weeks in a row, feel really good about myself, and gain it all back in one fail swoop.  Let me be clear: IT'S ALL MY FAULT.  I'm not blaming anyone/anything else for it.  Similar to my English class Freshman year: I found out my mid term grade put me at an A for the class and I slacked off, stopped going to class, and ended up failing.  Failure is obviously not an option here, since that would end up with me gaining all my weight back (what little I've lost on average) and that is REALLY not an option. 

It's just really frustrating trying to overcome what I have figured out what has been a lifetime of an eating problem.  It didn't develop in college, it was there all along, just able to hide with all the activity I was doing.  If I wasn't as active as I was in high school, I would have weighed 300 pounds.  I guess I'm fortunate that was the one thing I didn't have to deal with in high school.  I've watched so many people overcome these great weight issues and it makes me feel very insufficient, very not good enough, very not worth it that I cannot seem to get it together. 

It always lines up to a goal too.  I made a goal at the end of January that I wanted to lose on average 1.5 pounds per week each week and that would put me back at my all time low (181.4) on April 2nd.  April 2nd is two weeks away and I weighed in at 195 this week.  If I stopped and did the math, it might end up that I've actually GAINED weight since I set this goal.  I set a goal after hitting 25 pounds lost (February 2010 by the way) that my birthday present to myself last year was going to be at 176 by July 3rd.  I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN 176 and it makes me furious.  I have lost 5 pounds IN A YEAR.  That really just makes me want to sit in a corner and cry until I cannot anymore, and I might end up doing that anyways.  Where's the movie "Up" when you need it? 

The obvious argument is that I'm making healthier choices.  WELL OBVIOUSLY NOT SINCE NOTHINGS CHANGING.  Somewhere I'm sabotaging myself, but I can't really seem to figure out where.  I have the ability that I could have hit my goal inside of a year, but here I am at a year and a half and still now less than halfway there. 

All these issues boil down to two main problems: 1.  I'm not really tracking like I should.  I just really hate tracking.  I want to not have to fight every step of the way for something for once.  I know, I know, nothing worth it is easy, but I still wouldn't mind a break every now and again and it not causing a spiral downward into what I'm dealing with tonight.  2.  I don't know how to feel feelings.  You may see posts that have to do with feeling feelings, but as I look back at all those, I realize they are similar to tonight's post.  I have bottled up so much I explode.  I'm really tired of not being able to recognize feelings and feel them AS THEY HAPPEN so I don't end up in this position. 

I'm tired of not working out consistently.  I'm tired of the excuse that I "don't have time" when it's that I don't make time, or that I fill up so much of my other time living, that I'm so tired when I do have time, that I can't possible expend the energy to go to the gym. 

To solve all the above problems, I'm going to do the following: I'm going to start going in the morning.  M-F every morning, I'm going to go to the gym.  And this week, nothing goes in my mouth without going on paper first.  Everything gets measured and tracked.  No BS this week.  Starting tomorrow night, I'm going to go to bed at a decent hour.  I have yet to define decent hour, but I'm thinking be winding down ready to go to bed around 9.  Not sleeping is NOT an option. I'll be getting up around 6 instead of 7 so I need the sleep. 

Now that I have a plan, I feel a little bit better.  I'm NOT going to make the mistake of making a goal.  I will need a lot of work before I can do that.  I'm going to retract my goal for April 2nd.  The only goal I'm going to have it to LOSE weight each week, I don't care about the number anymore.  I just want to GO IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.