Christmas is magical. . .maybe

I'm one of those hopeless romantics and I will forever be in awe of Christmas.  The way it has the power to bring everyone together.  And the music!  I've always been in love with Christmas.  As a child, I would live for Christmas.  

Even though I love Christmas and everything about it, Christmas overwhelms me.  All the gift giving.  All the gift receiving.  If I had it my way, I'd only be on the giving end, not the receiving.  Just get me a card.  I'll be more than satisfied.  Anything else you think of is just wonderful, but don't ever expect to ask me what I want and get an answer.  

Every year like clock work, Christmas Eve night the overwhelming feelings make sure to turn me into a sobbing mess.  I barely made it in my apartment tonight before curling up in a ball on the floor.  And every year it's something different.  

I think mostly I worry if I got the right gifts for everyone, worry that people went overboard on gifts for me that I don't think I should have.  If that doesn't scream self-confidence issues, I don't know what does.  I believe the underlying question is Am I Good Enough?  I've made some severe progress over the last couple of months in that regard.  Living my life the way I think it ought to be lived.  Not worrying about if anyone else thinks I'm good enough, I know I am me and I am OK and that's enough.  Christmas in all its splendor and magic threatens to take that progress away if I'm not careful.  So as I laid in the floor, I just let the tears pour, let it all out.  Progress people.  

December 25th.  It's just another day.  What makes it so special?  Why is there this stigma that we must see every living family member on that day.  Why is seeing our family on any other day not good enough?  Tomorrow, I will wake up in my own apartment and travel one whole whopping hour to see family.  And by the way, I feel like such an adult for getting to say that.  He he.  

And between seeing family, I plan on going for a walk with my sisters.  It was suggested to get coffee or ice cream etc., but I drew on what one of my Weight Watchers leaders told us last year: make being social not about food.  Too many things revolve around food.  Go for a walk, play Frisbee, etc.  One of these days, I'm going to find a run on these major holidays.  

For now, I'm going to go to bed, shut my eyes, and wake up to Christmas magic tomorrow morning, make it through the day, and have a very large glass of wine. :)

Until next time,
:)