I found the key to my appetite

I truly figured it out.  Finally.  My appetite is tied to my social butterfly status.  If I'm feeling the need for attention and to be around people, appetite decreases.  For the last week or so, I've been dying to be alone.  Secluded.  NO PEOPLE.  No phone.  You get it.  And this last week I've had the appetite I had back when I was gaining weight like crazy.  I was hiding.  It's very effective.  Well, gaining weight is effective at hiding me.  But I'm not going to hide behind weight anymore.  It's going to be a fight against myself until I feel alone enough.  

I'm going to shut off my phone for a week and ignore people in a secluded spot looking at trees.  It's just too bad I have to wait until this summer for that.  Until then, I am going to find spots on the local greenway to run alone, or walk alone, or go eat alone, or just be alone. I'm allowed to shut my door and ignore my phone :)

So if you happen to try and reach me and I don't respond, it's not because I'm ignoring you, I'm equal opportunity, I'm ignoring everyone :)

Now, if I could just figure out how to spell appetite!  Thank goodness for spell check :)

Until next time,
:)

That bowl of ice cream did nothing for the sweets craving

Or what I thought was a sweets craving.  I should know by now that all a craving is is emotions.  Here we go again.  I know you're tired of reading the following sentence almost as much as I'm tired of blogging it: I DO NOT LIKE FEELINGS.  You know in the movie The Proposal where they're on the airplane and they're going over the questions, and Sandra Bullock asks "What am I allergic to" and he said "Pine nuts and the full spectrum of human emotion"?  Yes, well wouldn't that be nice.  Not the pine nuts part, I don't even know what those are.  

I would say the feelings are feelings of being scared of commitment, but I'm not really sure that's true.  It's possible, and definitely something that a few years ago, I would have been prone to, but I learned over the last couple of years that I could commit, I was ready to permanently at one point, but that's another story for another day.  To the right person, I don't think commitment would be an issue for me.  

Maybe the emotions are that I'm drowning.  And scared that I'll screw it all up.  Scared that maybe I can't do it all, even though I want to be able to.  

Maybe I'm nervous.  I haven't run any races since the half marathon last year (you remember after which I had all but given up running -- I thought I had posted about it, but I can't find it, the only one I can find is this one. ) BUT anyways.  I had decided that when I started running again, I wasn't going to sign up for any races until I was ready to run the distance comfortably, and without injury.  I don't know that I'm totally out of the woods on the latter, but I'm definitely out of the woods on the former.  5K (3.1 miles) in 36:18.  Yes, please.  So I signed up for a race. Actually I ran the same race last year :)  It's in 2 days.  I'm a little nervous!  I'm just glad it's supposed to be warmer than the 8 degrees it was last year.  YIKES.  Well, wish me luck! :)

I've started running outside again now that it's the perfect weather for it, and I have to say, I like it SO much better than inside!!  There's more pretty scenery, people to watch, and I'm not looking at the same thing around and around and around again like on a track, or worse, a treadmill!  :)

I think I've run out of amusement, so I'm going to go to bed.  Goodnight moon :)

Until next time,
:)

It's amazing how reality can sneak up on you and smack you in the face!

SCHMACK!  Yes, it sounds like that.  Part of feeling feelings is being vulnerable to them in the first place.  By the way, the very idea is just gross...but I'm doing it.  And so sometimes that means that I get to experience unexplainable joy.  The kind of joy that makes you want to wake up in the morning.  It's that way a lot of the time.  I'm just a happy person.  But there are also times that life just kind of stinks.  And in the same way I've allowed the feelings of joy, I also have to allow those other feelings.  

Most of my running motivation comes from being a few different things: angry, anxious, happy, those are a few.  Sadness isn't one of them.  Most of the time I have to allow the sadness to run its course, then go run to cheer myself up, and it always works.  But I'm not eating my feelings (ANY OF THEM) anymore :)

I just completed 3 straight months of net weight losses.  Meaning each month since November, over the month, I have had a net weight loss.  5 lbs in November, 7.2 in December, and 3.2 in January.  I lost 2.4 last week, making my total lost so far a nice, round 35!

I'm so excited!  I'm more than halfway there!  I can ALMOST see the end of the tunnel.  I feel great!  And I get noticed.  It's so much fun.  I used to hide from it, but now I'm basking in it and using it as motivation to push forward.  I got checked out at the gym today, and what a confidence booster :)

Today has just been a roller-coaster of different kinds of joy!  I met with a career counselor at school because I was really having a crisis of "Is the major I'm in going to get me on the right career track?" I mean it was almost at panic attack level.  I was hyperventilating and everything.  I had some major trouble with a couple of my major classes last semester.  And that really freaked me out, because I didn't enjoy those classes one bit, and I'm supposed to enjoy every class in my beloved major right? Well, apparently not.  What happened?  He took a look at the classes I had left and we talked a good bit about what I really wanted to do and he said I hit a speed bump, and the classes I had left would be great.  And I was in the right major and on the right path, and that I'm destined for great things!  I'm so relieved!!  That's kind of what I thought it was, but confirmation is always a lovely thing!  The part where this tidbit effects (affects???) this blog?  I did not eat the panic attack.  It was really tempting.  I didn't drink it either.  I vented (probably talked people's ears off) and paced, but didn't eat.  :)

Kit-Kat bars are better cold

They are!  I don't know why, maybe they're more crunchy.  Part of me being healthier is me realizing my limitations.  While it may be more economical to buy a whole bag of kit-kat bars because I get a better value, it's not better for my health because I'll eat the whole bag in one sitting.  For those of you who just gasped reading that, think before you judge, you do it too :)

So I made a deal with myself.  If I really want a kit-kat bar, I get a single bar from the register.  I only buy things like that in quantities I would be ok with eating in one sitting.  Thinking I'm going to split a bag of skittles in four and save the rest for later?  Think again.  Do that quick math and see what the damage would really be.  Is it worth it?  Then the item gets bought.  If not, it doesn't.  That simple.  I get what I want, but don't necessarily need, and I'm not putting myself in a damaging situation where I have to rely on will power, which let's face it, can be tested to the max.  Anything I can do myself to take off will power I'll gladly do.  

NOW I'm off to do nothing.  Or go to bed.  I'm just the life of the party :)

Until next time,
:)

I think watching too much TV makes me gain weight

OK.  I'll start with a little disclaimer of sorts.  There are two key parts the the above sentence.  The first is the part that says "I think".  I.  ME.  The bomb-diggity.  :) THINKS.  I have no research to support this thought.  It's just that.  A thought.  The second part is the part that says "me".  I know, this post so far seems like it's all about me.  Guess WHAT?!?!  It IS, in fact the whole blog is.  :)  This is an observation I made about MYSELF. If you think it could apply to you, fine.  But don't e-mail me and tell me you watch 2 hours of TV a day and have lost weight every week for _______ [amount of time], and so therefore I am wrong.  I didn't say anything about your journey, and I'll thank you to return the favor.  :)

WHEW.  I'm pretty sure I could never be a lawyer if I always had to explain myself like that, but it was a fun exercise.  Wait, exercise, do I get activity points for that?!?! JUST KIDDING :)

I have noticed a pattern, that is the point of this post.  In November and most of December, I watched a very small amount of TV.  I think a grand total of less than 5 hours each month.  Spread out at less than 30 minute intervals at a time.  And during none of that time was I eating.  (As a matter of fact, I try to not do anything while I'm eating, it helps me pay better attention to my body's signals.)  I lost 5 pounds in November and 7.4 in December.  Then towards the end of December, more in the beginning of January, I was working full time, commuting 2 hours a day to work, and stressed to the max.  So I was watching TV for an hour or more or a movie at night.  Almost every night.  January week 1 I lost .8, week 2 I lost .6, then week 3 gained .8.  (That gain was that every 4th week unavoidable gain...so I don't give it much merit.) but still!  Those numbers are small!

There are two possible causes:

Well, there are actually more than 2, but I'm only going to evaluate 2...

1.  The increase in TV watching had an effect (or is it affect???) on my weight loss

2.  I'm starting to get to the point where the weight isn't going to fall off anymore.  

I've already really addressed #1, so I'll move right on to #2, but it's possible it could be a combination.  :)

SAY WHAT?!?!?!?!?  It's true.  When someone first starts losing weight, the first big (different for everyone) can come off really fast.  For instance, the first week, when someone starts eating better and gets moving a little more, may not bring a whole lot of change, but it's enough to produce a big number on the scale.  Then when the body starts to settle down, week 2 can seem like a downer.  I've written about it many times.  After that, it kind of evens out, but the numbers are still fairly large.  Then a point comes along that the battle is less of getting rid of fat, and more of toning muscle.  The excess fat at this point will be *mostly* gone.  I say mostly, but if I'm there, I still have 30 pounds to hit my goal.  Of course my goal could be unrealistic...we'll see when we get there.  But I digress!  The point is I'm used to these 1.5-2.5 per week losses and I may just have exhausted that power.  Now I'm chinking it away .5-1 pound at a time.  But that doesn't make me upset because it still falls in my goal: NET loss each month.  Simple.

So what happens now?  Well I'm back in school, so the TV will pretty much stay off again.  And I will continue to work my butt off in the gym.  I'm adding toning classes to my workouts instead of just running.  Like there's anything "just" about running :)

There's a class I really enjoy called Body Sculpt, which works muscles all over, it's not targeted, and it's great!  I can make it twice a week, and the moves are starting to get easier and I'm starting to have to go up in the weight amount.  :)  There's also Pilates once a week, and you bet I'm going to be all over that!!  I LOVE Pilates.  Love, love, love!!!  I'm also going to *try* Yoga again.  TRY.  And when it gets warmer, get back in the pool :)

My appetite hasn't changed recently.  And I still can't spell appetite, I have to let spell check grab it.  :) I still have to remind myself to eat breakfast because I don't wake up hungry.  I might have eaten lunch today, but I don't remember.  I did have some leftover Fettuccine Alfredo that my roommate made.  BEST Fettuccine Alfredo EVER.  Period!  The spelling of Fettuccine doesn't look right but the spell checker is being silent.  Never-mind, it was the Safari spell checker that didn't get it.  The Google spell checker got it, and now it's right :)

I'm off to do something.  Probably nothing but goof off for a few minutes.  I've been highly productive today.  

Until next time,

:)  

Excuses exshmuses

I've written this blog post about 20 times in my head so when I actually sat down to write it, as you can probably imagine, I had to go look at my actual blog to make sure I hadn't written something with this title already.  I would hate to be repetitive.  :)

Why haven't I posted this post yet?  Because my computer was on the other side of the room and I was lazy.  Because I was tired.  Blah, blah, blah.

And I know the second word of the title looks a little funny.  You know how you can add shm to the first syllable of a word and come up with two words to say?  Like fancy schmancy.  It's my attempt to be cute.  Just go with it.  :)

It's amazing to me how many people say they're going to start eating well after the holidays are over.  Are holidays ever really over?  My family's gotten a lot bigger over the years and there's always a birthday or graduation or Valentine's day (a.k.a. single girls eat chocolate day :) or WHATEVER.  Aren't those holidays too??  So what happens then?  Do we just spend our lives waiting for the next big thing to be over so we can get back on the wagon?  Doesn't that fall under the umbrella of wishing our lives away?  Haven't we been told by people older and wiser than us that that is not a good idea?  And, yes, I tried to figure out a way to word that sentence without using "that" twice.  

I have lost almost 15 pounds since the beginning of November.  And every week except one I lost weight in some number.  2 days after Thanksgiving I weighed in and lost.  The week after both Christmas and New Years I weighed in and lost.  Did I have less fun?  No. I actually had more fun because I spent less time concentrating on food and thus less time feeling sick to my stomach.  Of course all this is helped by the fact that I have very little appetite any more.  But I won't circle that wagon again, I think I already covered that, and like I said before, I hate to be repetitive.  See what I did there?  I repeated that I ....... you saw it.  :)

I had one New Year's resolution: to remember to write 2013 on everything instead of 2012.  Nothing else.  I'm already doing everything I need to be doing right now, and I'm happy.  That's the best part.  That and I feel great, and I have more energy.  Oh, and I'm getting ready to go another size down in jeans. That would be the 3rd time in 2 months thank you so much.  I'll be back in a size 12.  WOOHOO!!!!!  It's been a while since I've been there.  Like a WHILE.  

I'm a little bored of this post since I've written it so many times in my head.  Hilarious.  It's hard to be funny when I'm bored.  Or tired.  Either way, I think I'm going to retire it and post anew another time.  :)

Until next time,

:)

Christmas is magical. . .maybe

I'm one of those hopeless romantics and I will forever be in awe of Christmas.  The way it has the power to bring everyone together.  And the music!  I've always been in love with Christmas.  As a child, I would live for Christmas.  

Even though I love Christmas and everything about it, Christmas overwhelms me.  All the gift giving.  All the gift receiving.  If I had it my way, I'd only be on the giving end, not the receiving.  Just get me a card.  I'll be more than satisfied.  Anything else you think of is just wonderful, but don't ever expect to ask me what I want and get an answer.  

Every year like clock work, Christmas Eve night the overwhelming feelings make sure to turn me into a sobbing mess.  I barely made it in my apartment tonight before curling up in a ball on the floor.  And every year it's something different.  

I think mostly I worry if I got the right gifts for everyone, worry that people went overboard on gifts for me that I don't think I should have.  If that doesn't scream self-confidence issues, I don't know what does.  I believe the underlying question is Am I Good Enough?  I've made some severe progress over the last couple of months in that regard.  Living my life the way I think it ought to be lived.  Not worrying about if anyone else thinks I'm good enough, I know I am me and I am OK and that's enough.  Christmas in all its splendor and magic threatens to take that progress away if I'm not careful.  So as I laid in the floor, I just let the tears pour, let it all out.  Progress people.  

December 25th.  It's just another day.  What makes it so special?  Why is there this stigma that we must see every living family member on that day.  Why is seeing our family on any other day not good enough?  Tomorrow, I will wake up in my own apartment and travel one whole whopping hour to see family.  And by the way, I feel like such an adult for getting to say that.  He he.  

And between seeing family, I plan on going for a walk with my sisters.  It was suggested to get coffee or ice cream etc., but I drew on what one of my Weight Watchers leaders told us last year: make being social not about food.  Too many things revolve around food.  Go for a walk, play Frisbee, etc.  One of these days, I'm going to find a run on these major holidays.  

For now, I'm going to go to bed, shut my eyes, and wake up to Christmas magic tomorrow morning, make it through the day, and have a very large glass of wine. :)

Until next time,
:)