All the little things add up to one good week

Well my week paid off: 2.8 pounds off!  That's almost all the weight I gained last week!  


I think I'm going to lace up the tennis shoes (I use that loosely, since my shoes have no laces) and go for a walk down the street in a minute.  I've been lazy most of the day, so it will feel good to get our when it's not super hot.  


Tomorrow restarts the getting up insanely early, but the first week flew by, hopefully the next three will as well.  


I'm excited for another new week.  


I joked earlier today that I go to Weight Watchers for the stickers.  I got a sticker for weight loss, a sticker for exercising, and a bravo sticker.  My bravo sticker was for getting back on the horse and not throwing a pity party for myself.  


I'm really excited, and I'm starting to feel more toned from the exercise.  It's so exciting.  And yes, I know I'm overusing the word excited; I'm just SO excited!! :)


Until next time,
:)

What's that expression? Get back on the horse? Yea, that's it.

I know it's been a little while, so a little recap is in order.  Over the last few months, my weight slowly went up and up.  Finally, three weeks ago, I weighed in at 199.8.  I was so close to 200.  I had sworn I would never go back over 200.  I got scared into right and lost a pound the following week.  Then I started Jazzercise again, I started eating better, and last week I weighed in at a staggering 201.8.  I knew it was bad when the woman weighed me in flashed a very confused look when she saw the number.  I couldn't hold it in, I was so upset.  I was so mad at myself: how did I let it get this FAR?!?!?!  The first thing I did when I got in my car was call my boyfriend.  Who not only talked me off a ledge, but also assured me I was doing the right things, I was on the right track, and the weight gain was more than likely due to the increase in regular exercise from....well nothing, which is a very valid point, one I had not even thought of.  Sometimes it happens.  After our conversation, I was in a really good place.  Ready to pick myself up and keep going.  Which, by the way, is no easy feat.  


I would rate this week as a moderate, but not overwhelming success.  I ate a few things I wish I hadn't, and I didn't go to group exercise as much as I would have liked, but I did take a walk one night, we went bowling today, and I've spent the last two days doing laundry and cleaning OUT (not up, I went through all my belongings and threw/gave a ton of stuff away, as well as reorganizing.)  I'd be lying if I tried to deny myself from counting that as exercise.  I was working up a nice big sweat thank you!


My boyfriend has been an absolute gem through this whole thing.  Constantly encouraging me.  I'm so incredibly lucky to be with him, there are no words.  


My goals for this week: go to Jazzercise all three times.  Work out at home at least once extra, and do the stretching video I have every night (It's 15 minutes...).  Switch my Starbucks Caramel coffee drink between campus and work to a Passion tea I saw in a magazine (60 cals!), and eat more lunches at work (this would include a trip to Wal-mart tomorrow to gather supplies).  Any suggestions for a fruit/veggie that I can get that won't go bad as fast as lettuce?  I seem to waste a lot of lettuce because I can't eat it fast enough, and I like Wal-mart, but goodness, I don't want to be there daily.  :) I'm not going to set any kind of weight loss goal.  This week my calendar says will be a little unpredictable (ah hem) so I think if I do the above, I will have accomplished non-scale victories, and I need to be able to recognize and appreciate those, even when the scale may not reflect them.  


I just have to keep telling myself I can do this, and take every day one day at a time.  


Hopefully I won't wait as long before sharing next time :)


Until next time,
:)

I have to eat it all now so it won't tempt me later...

Occasionally, I get the hair-brained idea to bring something into my otherwise-controlled environment that will tempt me.  I then get this mindset of first guilt, then I think I have to devour the whole bit of whatever it was to prevent it from torturing me in the near future.  Heaven forbid I spread the goodness out so I can actually enjoy it.


Girl Scout Cookies.  'nuff said.  


:)

When you add it all up...

I got a wild hair this morning.  I decided I would look over my 2.5 years in Weight Watchers and add up all the times I lost weight and see how much I've lost total.  Not just how far I am from where I started (Which, by the way, is 28.4 pounds....went back under 30 last week and still haven't cracked 35 in months ::sigh::) but I digress.  I have 61 weeks of losses, totaling 112.6 pounds.  Which means I've done 84.2 pounds of flip-flopping.  


I've decided I'm done telling myself what I can and cannot eat.  It doesn't work.  Period.  I'm going back to basics.  You know, the tracking stuff THAT WORKS.  The absolute majority of those losses was because of tracking, which shouldn't surprise me after 2 1/2 years.  (Can you believe it?!?!?!)


I'll blog more often and let you know how it goes.  I'm running (haha) out of patience and ideas...


Until next time,
:)

I am me and I am OK

I was exposed to this idea through indirect exposure to the 12 step recovery process.  I've seen it since I was 8, but not even been able to utter it much less actually believe it until the...well if I'll be real honest, the last year.  And that's largely possible thanks to my boyfriend for spending the last year making me believe it (It's hard to believe it's been a year, it's been one heck of a good year :) )


I have spent most of my life not being good enough.  And by good enough, I mean perfect.  At least that was my perception.  Could it have been my own expectations I wasn't meeting? Sure, and some of them were (and still are).  


I also, until the last couple of years, never learned how to really feel feelings (maybe that was my fault too, I'm not pushing blame here, just saying what is), so that has been (as you may be VERY aware by now) the crux of my weight loss issue, and the purpose, for the most part, of this blog, but I digress.


When you have a combination of perfect expectations and no emotions, everything is always fine, there's a permanent mask.  I oozed so much confidence it made me sick because I was the world's most insecure person on the inside.  I second guess everything I say, everything I do.  Codependent to a fault.  Feelings are stuffed, no tears, and nothing ever lives up to standards.  Well to make a long story short: what happens when you shake a soda then open it?  


I have been successful in being less in the full mask all the time extreme, but in order to succeed, it definitely went back on, and it worked, I was able to do amazing things with that mask, and with my perfect expectations.  There's always room to improve that way.  


I'll give you an example: yesterday, I ran a 5k.  With an additional hill and in the rain.  I ran it 43 seconds slower than Dec 31st, and I truly had the nerve to be upset.  I still kind of am.  I should be celebrating because I finished and ran the whole thing, but that was my goal for the last one, this time, that goal simply wasn't good enough, my goal was to beat my time!  I have a race this Saturday, but I almost get a handicap...it will be all flat (as far as I know), so if I don't beat my Dec 31st time, I'll REALLY be mad at myself, but I digress...again.  


The point I'm trying to make here is as it would turn out, when I consistently set impossible to reach expectations, and don't allow feelings, I'm bound to get insecure and mad at myself, because who wouldn't if you considered yourself a failure/not good enough time after time?  How incredibly depressing am I?  I'm sure I'm so much fun to be around when I get like that, and those feelings are a lot easier to run away from if you don't have a witness (if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around.....).  I'm not running this time.  And that means I get to deal with my "stuff" (recovery term for skeletons in one's closet).  Turns out healing isn't a one and done kind of thing, some scars take longer to heal, and have to be dealt with more than once.  You can't just deal with one and be over them all, either, you have to take one by one, when they arise and hope you have a good enough head on your shoulders to recognize and start healing.  Sure, there are times that I'm able to tell myself I'm OK, and HOPEFULLY, those times are greater in number than the times I'm not.  But I have to be allowed to work through the times I'm not, or I'll just continue to stuff and be mad at myself, and that will feed a vicious cycle.  


I feel like I need one of those disclaimer signs you see in stores doing construction: pardon our mess while we build a better shopping experience.  Rephrased: pardon my mess while I build a better me... preparing for version 24.0 :)


I am me, and I am OK.  I'm better than OK, I'm awesome, JUST THE WAY I AM!!! :)


Until next time,
:)

Everyone grieves in different ways

Some people drink, some eat, some...well I don't really know.  


I'm fine for about an hour, then when the news actually hits me, I'm a wreck for a while after that, then I'm emotionally turned inside, and on the verge of depressive for a bit after that.  


We found out this evening that a very close family friend passed away tonight.  


Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers.


Until next time,
L

This isn't the first time my body said no, but it IS the last

I know.  That title seems odd.  


Some of you may not know this about me, but I like to run.  Like, really like.  Well, I ran a 5K last Saturday!!!  My first all-running 5K.  41:11.  That would be a new PB (personal best).  


I just ran one mile.  One stinking little mile.  And it was the most labored mile since I've been able to run a mile!  12:19.  Very UN impressive.  (Well, I guess I ran at average 13 and change in the 5K, but that was 5K, not 1.6K) but I digress.  I believe I've posted before about being gluten and corn free.  And how I felt better etc.  


Well, recently, I've been trying to stick to 90% gluten free.  That's all well and good, but this week, it's been a gluten binge.  I've eaten more crap than I would really care to admit, but because it will only help, I'm going to.  Breakfast every day this week was a Sonic burrito.  I ate one good lunch this week, and that was Chinese leftovers.  On Tuesday.  Every other day I've been out to eat or fast food, a sandwich of some sort.  Dinner is the only redeeming meal, but I've destroyed it by the huge bowls of ice cream.  The only good thing about the ice cream (and extreme number of toppings) is it's all gluten/corn free.  Yes, Magic Shell is corn free.  


Today, in my mile, I paid for all that crap.  It was as if my body was telling me: you feed me crap?  You no run.  Fine.  A good lesson.  I am going to stick to 90% HOWEVER, next 2 weeks? DETOX.  No more gluten or corn, 14 days.  Eat out as little as possible.  NO sweet tea or soda.  I will be going back to Diet Lipton Green Tea for the caffeine (fun factoid: Diet Lipton is corn free, Regular Lipton has corn syrup. *rolls eyes* go figure :-) )


I will be doing walking over the next 14 days, but I'm not going to run until the 21st of January.  That's also in part because I'm out of contacts, and running in glasses ends up with foggy glasses and if I take them off, I can't see, if I leave them on, I really can't see.  Not fun, and very distracting.  :)


I think my weigh in this morning is also going to be an eye opener.  I haven't weighed in since Dec 17th.  The 24th they were closed, and last week, I had my 5K.  That I had also used as an excuse to eat crap, which tells me, even when I hit lifetime, I'll be weighing in weekly, simply for the regular accountability.  


Until next time,
:)