I got a wild hair this morning. I decided I would look over my 2.5 years in Weight Watchers and add up all the times I lost weight and see how much I've lost total. Not just how far I am from where I started (Which, by the way, is 28.4 pounds....went back under 30 last week and still haven't cracked 35 in months ::sigh::) but I digress. I have 61 weeks of losses, totaling 112.6 pounds. Which means I've done 84.2 pounds of flip-flopping.
I've decided I'm done telling myself what I can and cannot eat. It doesn't work. Period. I'm going back to basics. You know, the tracking stuff THAT WORKS. The absolute majority of those losses was because of tracking, which shouldn't surprise me after 2 1/2 years. (Can you believe it?!?!?!)
I'll blog more often and let you know how it goes. I'm running (haha) out of patience and ideas...
Until next time,
:)
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I am me and I am OK
I was exposed to this idea through indirect exposure to the 12 step recovery process. I've seen it since I was 8, but not even been able to utter it much less actually believe it until the...well if I'll be real honest, the last year. And that's largely possible thanks to my boyfriend for spending the last year making me believe it (It's hard to believe it's been a year, it's been one heck of a good year :) )
I have spent most of my life not being good enough. And by good enough, I mean perfect. At least that was my perception. Could it have been my own expectations I wasn't meeting? Sure, and some of them were (and still are).
I also, until the last couple of years, never learned how to really feel feelings (maybe that was my fault too, I'm not pushing blame here, just saying what is), so that has been (as you may be VERY aware by now) the crux of my weight loss issue, and the purpose, for the most part, of this blog, but I digress.
When you have a combination of perfect expectations and no emotions, everything is always fine, there's a permanent mask. I oozed so much confidence it made me sick because I was the world's most insecure person on the inside. I second guess everything I say, everything I do. Codependent to a fault. Feelings are stuffed, no tears, and nothing ever lives up to standards. Well to make a long story short: what happens when you shake a soda then open it?
I have been successful in being less in the full mask all the time extreme, but in order to succeed, it definitely went back on, and it worked, I was able to do amazing things with that mask, and with my perfect expectations. There's always room to improve that way.
I'll give you an example: yesterday, I ran a 5k. With an additional hill and in the rain. I ran it 43 seconds slower than Dec 31st, and I truly had the nerve to be upset. I still kind of am. I should be celebrating because I finished and ran the whole thing, but that was my goal for the last one, this time, that goal simply wasn't good enough, my goal was to beat my time! I have a race this Saturday, but I almost get a handicap...it will be all flat (as far as I know), so if I don't beat my Dec 31st time, I'll REALLY be mad at myself, but I digress...again.
The point I'm trying to make here is as it would turn out, when I consistently set impossible to reach expectations, and don't allow feelings, I'm bound to get insecure and mad at myself, because who wouldn't if you considered yourself a failure/not good enough time after time? How incredibly depressing am I? I'm sure I'm so much fun to be around when I get like that, and those feelings are a lot easier to run away from if you don't have a witness (if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around.....). I'm not running this time. And that means I get to deal with my "stuff" (recovery term for skeletons in one's closet). Turns out healing isn't a one and done kind of thing, some scars take longer to heal, and have to be dealt with more than once. You can't just deal with one and be over them all, either, you have to take one by one, when they arise and hope you have a good enough head on your shoulders to recognize and start healing. Sure, there are times that I'm able to tell myself I'm OK, and HOPEFULLY, those times are greater in number than the times I'm not. But I have to be allowed to work through the times I'm not, or I'll just continue to stuff and be mad at myself, and that will feed a vicious cycle.
I feel like I need one of those disclaimer signs you see in stores doing construction: pardon our mess while we build a better shopping experience. Rephrased: pardon my mess while I build a better me... preparing for version 24.0 :)
I am me, and I am OK. I'm better than OK, I'm awesome, JUST THE WAY I AM!!! :)
Until next time,
:)
I have spent most of my life not being good enough. And by good enough, I mean perfect. At least that was my perception. Could it have been my own expectations I wasn't meeting? Sure, and some of them were (and still are).
I also, until the last couple of years, never learned how to really feel feelings (maybe that was my fault too, I'm not pushing blame here, just saying what is), so that has been (as you may be VERY aware by now) the crux of my weight loss issue, and the purpose, for the most part, of this blog, but I digress.
When you have a combination of perfect expectations and no emotions, everything is always fine, there's a permanent mask. I oozed so much confidence it made me sick because I was the world's most insecure person on the inside. I second guess everything I say, everything I do. Codependent to a fault. Feelings are stuffed, no tears, and nothing ever lives up to standards. Well to make a long story short: what happens when you shake a soda then open it?
I have been successful in being less in the full mask all the time extreme, but in order to succeed, it definitely went back on, and it worked, I was able to do amazing things with that mask, and with my perfect expectations. There's always room to improve that way.
I'll give you an example: yesterday, I ran a 5k. With an additional hill and in the rain. I ran it 43 seconds slower than Dec 31st, and I truly had the nerve to be upset. I still kind of am. I should be celebrating because I finished and ran the whole thing, but that was my goal for the last one, this time, that goal simply wasn't good enough, my goal was to beat my time! I have a race this Saturday, but I almost get a handicap...it will be all flat (as far as I know), so if I don't beat my Dec 31st time, I'll REALLY be mad at myself, but I digress...again.
The point I'm trying to make here is as it would turn out, when I consistently set impossible to reach expectations, and don't allow feelings, I'm bound to get insecure and mad at myself, because who wouldn't if you considered yourself a failure/not good enough time after time? How incredibly depressing am I? I'm sure I'm so much fun to be around when I get like that, and those feelings are a lot easier to run away from if you don't have a witness (if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around.....). I'm not running this time. And that means I get to deal with my "stuff" (recovery term for skeletons in one's closet). Turns out healing isn't a one and done kind of thing, some scars take longer to heal, and have to be dealt with more than once. You can't just deal with one and be over them all, either, you have to take one by one, when they arise and hope you have a good enough head on your shoulders to recognize and start healing. Sure, there are times that I'm able to tell myself I'm OK, and HOPEFULLY, those times are greater in number than the times I'm not. But I have to be allowed to work through the times I'm not, or I'll just continue to stuff and be mad at myself, and that will feed a vicious cycle.
I feel like I need one of those disclaimer signs you see in stores doing construction: pardon our mess while we build a better shopping experience. Rephrased: pardon my mess while I build a better me... preparing for version 24.0 :)
I am me, and I am OK. I'm better than OK, I'm awesome, JUST THE WAY I AM!!! :)
Until next time,
:)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Everyone grieves in different ways
Some people drink, some eat, some...well I don't really know.
I'm fine for about an hour, then when the news actually hits me, I'm a wreck for a while after that, then I'm emotionally turned inside, and on the verge of depressive for a bit after that.
We found out this evening that a very close family friend passed away tonight.
Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers.
Until next time,
L
I'm fine for about an hour, then when the news actually hits me, I'm a wreck for a while after that, then I'm emotionally turned inside, and on the verge of depressive for a bit after that.
We found out this evening that a very close family friend passed away tonight.
Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers.
Until next time,
L
Saturday, January 7, 2012
This isn't the first time my body said no, but it IS the last
I know. That title seems odd.
Some of you may not know this about me, but I like to run. Like, really like. Well, I ran a 5K last Saturday!!! My first all-running 5K. 41:11. That would be a new PB (personal best).
I just ran one mile. One stinking little mile. And it was the most labored mile since I've been able to run a mile! 12:19. Very UN impressive. (Well, I guess I ran at average 13 and change in the 5K, but that was 5K, not 1.6K) but I digress. I believe I've posted before about being gluten and corn free. And how I felt better etc.
Well, recently, I've been trying to stick to 90% gluten free. That's all well and good, but this week, it's been a gluten binge. I've eaten more crap than I would really care to admit, but because it will only help, I'm going to. Breakfast every day this week was a Sonic burrito. I ate one good lunch this week, and that was Chinese leftovers. On Tuesday. Every other day I've been out to eat or fast food, a sandwich of some sort. Dinner is the only redeeming meal, but I've destroyed it by the huge bowls of ice cream. The only good thing about the ice cream (and extreme number of toppings) is it's all gluten/corn free. Yes, Magic Shell is corn free.
Today, in my mile, I paid for all that crap. It was as if my body was telling me: you feed me crap? You no run. Fine. A good lesson. I am going to stick to 90% HOWEVER, next 2 weeks? DETOX. No more gluten or corn, 14 days. Eat out as little as possible. NO sweet tea or soda. I will be going back to Diet Lipton Green Tea for the caffeine (fun factoid: Diet Lipton is corn free, Regular Lipton has corn syrup. *rolls eyes* go figure :-) )
I will be doing walking over the next 14 days, but I'm not going to run until the 21st of January. That's also in part because I'm out of contacts, and running in glasses ends up with foggy glasses and if I take them off, I can't see, if I leave them on, I really can't see. Not fun, and very distracting. :)
I think my weigh in this morning is also going to be an eye opener. I haven't weighed in since Dec 17th. The 24th they were closed, and last week, I had my 5K. That I had also used as an excuse to eat crap, which tells me, even when I hit lifetime, I'll be weighing in weekly, simply for the regular accountability.
Until next time,
:)
Some of you may not know this about me, but I like to run. Like, really like. Well, I ran a 5K last Saturday!!! My first all-running 5K. 41:11. That would be a new PB (personal best).
I just ran one mile. One stinking little mile. And it was the most labored mile since I've been able to run a mile! 12:19. Very UN impressive. (Well, I guess I ran at average 13 and change in the 5K, but that was 5K, not 1.6K) but I digress. I believe I've posted before about being gluten and corn free. And how I felt better etc.
Well, recently, I've been trying to stick to 90% gluten free. That's all well and good, but this week, it's been a gluten binge. I've eaten more crap than I would really care to admit, but because it will only help, I'm going to. Breakfast every day this week was a Sonic burrito. I ate one good lunch this week, and that was Chinese leftovers. On Tuesday. Every other day I've been out to eat or fast food, a sandwich of some sort. Dinner is the only redeeming meal, but I've destroyed it by the huge bowls of ice cream. The only good thing about the ice cream (and extreme number of toppings) is it's all gluten/corn free. Yes, Magic Shell is corn free.
Today, in my mile, I paid for all that crap. It was as if my body was telling me: you feed me crap? You no run. Fine. A good lesson. I am going to stick to 90% HOWEVER, next 2 weeks? DETOX. No more gluten or corn, 14 days. Eat out as little as possible. NO sweet tea or soda. I will be going back to Diet Lipton Green Tea for the caffeine (fun factoid: Diet Lipton is corn free, Regular Lipton has corn syrup. *rolls eyes* go figure :-) )
I will be doing walking over the next 14 days, but I'm not going to run until the 21st of January. That's also in part because I'm out of contacts, and running in glasses ends up with foggy glasses and if I take them off, I can't see, if I leave them on, I really can't see. Not fun, and very distracting. :)
I think my weigh in this morning is also going to be an eye opener. I haven't weighed in since Dec 17th. The 24th they were closed, and last week, I had my 5K. That I had also used as an excuse to eat crap, which tells me, even when I hit lifetime, I'll be weighing in weekly, simply for the regular accountability.
Until next time,
:)
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sometimes you just gotta feel it out...
I think this time of year is what really gets me all worked up. Today, I'm going to think positive. But first I'm going to get a few negative things out of the way:
I'm tired. I work too much. My feet hurt (thanks to running around in heels all day). Christmas can't come early enough, or be far enough away. I'm tired. Oh, I mentioned that last one twice.
Now let's get to the positive. I feel better about myself today. I found an outfit that, quite frankly, I felt smokin' in :)
I was in a work groove, I got so much accomplished today.
One week from this Saturday, I will run a 5K. The whole thing. I'm very excited! It will kick off the new year right!
I'm going to turn in for the night, busy day already set for tomorrow.
Until next time,
:)
I'm tired. I work too much. My feet hurt (thanks to running around in heels all day). Christmas can't come early enough, or be far enough away. I'm tired. Oh, I mentioned that last one twice.
Now let's get to the positive. I feel better about myself today. I found an outfit that, quite frankly, I felt smokin' in :)
I was in a work groove, I got so much accomplished today.
One week from this Saturday, I will run a 5K. The whole thing. I'm very excited! It will kick off the new year right!
I'm going to turn in for the night, busy day already set for tomorrow.
Until next time,
:)
Sunday, December 18, 2011
One day I'll be okay with myself. Warning: today is NOT that day.
First order of business, a catch-up review of the last few weeks, and reminder to self that I need to post more often. After my maintaining stint, I lost .6 then gained 2.2 then lost .6 then gained 2.2 this past week. And I feel gross, to be perfectly honest. ::sigh:: I feel like I'm taking myself back into the pendulum again, and I can already see the same results as the last time: a lot of frustration, tears, and more time wasted.
In my last blog post, I said I was going to run 1.75 miles if it killed me because that was what the training plan said. Well, I ran 3.25!!! Unfortunately, it was 3.25 miles in one direction: AWAY from my car. So then I had to walk the 3.5 miles back to my car. Boy oh boy was I in pain afterwards! But I did it! I ran the 5K distance + some!! Then I recovered for a week :)
Then last Sunday, I went downtown and ran 3.10 exactly, and that included 2 hills. I mastered this feat in 34:15, maintaining around an 11:03 pace approx. I basically ran the route for the 5K I am running on December 31st. That was exciting!
Something happened the last two-three weeks. I got depressed, almost scary depressed. Didn't want to do anything except lay in bed, did so all weekend and slept and then was exhausted. Didn't understand that one. Gloomy Gus Leigh was very confused. Maybe it's the season, maybe its just the way I am, and I'm going through a difficulty, or working through some of my "stuff", who really knows. All I know is I cried all the time for no reason and didn't want to do anything. Well, except eat. Joy. I have gotten a little sidetracked from my diet plans, and I can tell a difference.
Then I seemed to get out of my funk, and was happy for a few days this week, up to, well right now. I'm fighting tears. What changed? Yesterday I got a massage and spent time with friends, and had tons of fun! Today, I got to hang out with my boyfriend, and we took some pictures, and ta DA. There it is. I was feeling very proud of myself for looking so cute in my cute dress, until I looked at the pictures of myself, and all I could/can think is how unhappy with my current self I am, how fat I think I look (and in some pictures, how pregnant I look - WHICH that is not a bad way to look, if you are, but I'm not....I'm trying desperately not to offend anyone with that sentence). 100% want to change, 0% pure motivation. All I want to do now is sulk.
Then I came home and was trying to find a cute outfit for tomorrow and failed, nothing fits like I want it too, because I've gained weight the last few weeks, and so now I'll probably just hide.
I was only a couple pounds away from hitting the lowest weight in my weight loss journey, the weight I haven't achieved since July a year ago, and what did I do? Sabotaged it. Same old story, over and over. Now I'm frustrated, and I feel defeated. And fat.
I had decided that while eating gluten and corn free was very helpful to my weight loss, and made me feel better, it wasn't "practical" or "financially friendly" and so I decided to scoot away from it a little, I was still going to mostly maintain that lifestyle, but not be gung-ho. Well, I knew what that was before I even started, a self-justification to eat whatever I wanted, and however much of it I wanted. I've eaten gluten and corn all weekend! I have no self control.
So executive decision: back to gluten and corn free. I don't care if I have to wake up an hour earlier and if it kills me financially. Feeling crappy isn't really worth a little convenience and money saved. I think it comes down to I just wanted to be able to eat like everyone else and for once not experience consequences. Well, I just have to face that I'm different. And maybe one day I'll be okay with that.
I'm sure this has just been a peach to read, and I apologize for that. Maybe when I pick myself back up, I'll post a happy post.
Until next time,
L
In my last blog post, I said I was going to run 1.75 miles if it killed me because that was what the training plan said. Well, I ran 3.25!!! Unfortunately, it was 3.25 miles in one direction: AWAY from my car. So then I had to walk the 3.5 miles back to my car. Boy oh boy was I in pain afterwards! But I did it! I ran the 5K distance + some!! Then I recovered for a week :)
Then last Sunday, I went downtown and ran 3.10 exactly, and that included 2 hills. I mastered this feat in 34:15, maintaining around an 11:03 pace approx. I basically ran the route for the 5K I am running on December 31st. That was exciting!
Something happened the last two-three weeks. I got depressed, almost scary depressed. Didn't want to do anything except lay in bed, did so all weekend and slept and then was exhausted. Didn't understand that one. Gloomy Gus Leigh was very confused. Maybe it's the season, maybe its just the way I am, and I'm going through a difficulty, or working through some of my "stuff", who really knows. All I know is I cried all the time for no reason and didn't want to do anything. Well, except eat. Joy. I have gotten a little sidetracked from my diet plans, and I can tell a difference.
Then I seemed to get out of my funk, and was happy for a few days this week, up to, well right now. I'm fighting tears. What changed? Yesterday I got a massage and spent time with friends, and had tons of fun! Today, I got to hang out with my boyfriend, and we took some pictures, and ta DA. There it is. I was feeling very proud of myself for looking so cute in my cute dress, until I looked at the pictures of myself, and all I could/can think is how unhappy with my current self I am, how fat I think I look (and in some pictures, how pregnant I look - WHICH that is not a bad way to look, if you are, but I'm not....I'm trying desperately not to offend anyone with that sentence). 100% want to change, 0% pure motivation. All I want to do now is sulk.
Then I came home and was trying to find a cute outfit for tomorrow and failed, nothing fits like I want it too, because I've gained weight the last few weeks, and so now I'll probably just hide.
I was only a couple pounds away from hitting the lowest weight in my weight loss journey, the weight I haven't achieved since July a year ago, and what did I do? Sabotaged it. Same old story, over and over. Now I'm frustrated, and I feel defeated. And fat.
I had decided that while eating gluten and corn free was very helpful to my weight loss, and made me feel better, it wasn't "practical" or "financially friendly" and so I decided to scoot away from it a little, I was still going to mostly maintain that lifestyle, but not be gung-ho. Well, I knew what that was before I even started, a self-justification to eat whatever I wanted, and however much of it I wanted. I've eaten gluten and corn all weekend! I have no self control.
So executive decision: back to gluten and corn free. I don't care if I have to wake up an hour earlier and if it kills me financially. Feeling crappy isn't really worth a little convenience and money saved. I think it comes down to I just wanted to be able to eat like everyone else and for once not experience consequences. Well, I just have to face that I'm different. And maybe one day I'll be okay with that.
I'm sure this has just been a peach to read, and I apologize for that. Maybe when I pick myself back up, I'll post a happy post.
Until next time,
L
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I think I'm scared to be thin.
*Note: I started this post a while ago....
Interesting thought. huh? After two years (first week in November was official year 2 mark) of fighting and losing and gaining and maintaining and feeling...
I've done WELL the last 6 weeks up until last week and this week. I'll start with a little background. On September 24th, I went to get the results from a bunch of lab work I had done. Turns out my thyroid was out of whack. (Don't ask which direction, I have NO idea) :)
My doctor said she wanted to try to bring it to normal range with diet before she made any diagnosis or prescribed medicine. Verdict: corn free and gluten free diet.
This is only half a shocker for me. In high school, I went to a natural doctor who said my eczema was caused by a food sensitivity to corn (among a long list of other things). I cut corn, and the eczema went away and I dropped 15 pounds in a very short period of time. So I knew that the weight would FALL off if I cut corn. Gluten...well that's still a learning process. Turns out, like corn, it's in EVERYTHING. At least everything that resembles bread (and the whole family). So I got my game plan together and the next day (Saturday) I started this new diet change.
Results:
Week 1: -2.6 pounds
Week 2: -2.2 pounds
Week 3: -1.6 pounds
Week 4: -2.2 pounds
Week 5: -.6 pounds
That's 9.2 pounds total. And brings us to last week. I gained 0.4, which is basically maintaining. It's one of those "eh" things. I have maintained the last two weeks (NOT complaining)
I'm pity eating. I'm so depressed that I can't eat all this great stuff everyone else can eat, and that my food is twice as expensive (NOT an exaggeration) and is five times more trouble, it's FRUSTRATING. Am I getting GREAT benefits out of it? Absolutely! I feel better, I'm not tired in the morning, the eczema is gone, I'm dropping pounds, fit back into my jeans from high school (!!!!!!!), the list goes on and on. BUT, sometimes I feel like I just can't catch a break. I can do all this work to make sure I can eat something and one little thing that I can't eat can undo it all.
I've also figured out what chocolate I can eat (internal GROAN) because I definitely overdid it a week or so ago on that.
Something mental is going on in my head that I have no idea what it is...because I've been eating like crazy all week. It's that thing on the tip of my tongue that I can't get out!
This happens every time. It happened the last time I got this thin: last summer. I got down to a certain point and then something came up that put me in a weird spot emotionally and undid it all (last year it was surgery...). I don't want to do that this time!
I've also decided something: I want to get back to running. I've decided to train for another 5K. It is February 11th. Then I want to run the half marathon at the end of April.
They're lofty goals, for sure, since I haven't done much running since my 5K and even less after surgery (I'll admit: I've been a little scared of hurting myself).
A couple weeks ago (when I started this post) I jumped up and went for a run, and cranked out a mile! In 11:13!!!! Then I ran another mile the next day, and haven't run since. Ugh.
I'm going for a run this morning (in a few, when the sun comes up) and according to my training schedule, I need to be able to run 1.75. I'm driving downtown to a green way (also the 5K site :) ) to get it done if it kills me!
If I post later, you'll know I survived :)
Until next time,
:)
Interesting thought. huh? After two years (first week in November was official year 2 mark) of fighting and losing and gaining and maintaining and feeling...
I've done WELL the last 6 weeks up until last week and this week. I'll start with a little background. On September 24th, I went to get the results from a bunch of lab work I had done. Turns out my thyroid was out of whack. (Don't ask which direction, I have NO idea) :)
My doctor said she wanted to try to bring it to normal range with diet before she made any diagnosis or prescribed medicine. Verdict: corn free and gluten free diet.
This is only half a shocker for me. In high school, I went to a natural doctor who said my eczema was caused by a food sensitivity to corn (among a long list of other things). I cut corn, and the eczema went away and I dropped 15 pounds in a very short period of time. So I knew that the weight would FALL off if I cut corn. Gluten...well that's still a learning process. Turns out, like corn, it's in EVERYTHING. At least everything that resembles bread (and the whole family). So I got my game plan together and the next day (Saturday) I started this new diet change.
Results:
Week 1: -2.6 pounds
Week 2: -2.2 pounds
Week 3: -1.6 pounds
Week 4: -2.2 pounds
Week 5: -.6 pounds
That's 9.2 pounds total. And brings us to last week. I gained 0.4, which is basically maintaining. It's one of those "eh" things. I have maintained the last two weeks (NOT complaining)
I'm pity eating. I'm so depressed that I can't eat all this great stuff everyone else can eat, and that my food is twice as expensive (NOT an exaggeration) and is five times more trouble, it's FRUSTRATING. Am I getting GREAT benefits out of it? Absolutely! I feel better, I'm not tired in the morning, the eczema is gone, I'm dropping pounds, fit back into my jeans from high school (!!!!!!!), the list goes on and on. BUT, sometimes I feel like I just can't catch a break. I can do all this work to make sure I can eat something and one little thing that I can't eat can undo it all.
I've also figured out what chocolate I can eat (internal GROAN) because I definitely overdid it a week or so ago on that.
Something mental is going on in my head that I have no idea what it is...because I've been eating like crazy all week. It's that thing on the tip of my tongue that I can't get out!
This happens every time. It happened the last time I got this thin: last summer. I got down to a certain point and then something came up that put me in a weird spot emotionally and undid it all (last year it was surgery...). I don't want to do that this time!
I've also decided something: I want to get back to running. I've decided to train for another 5K. It is February 11th. Then I want to run the half marathon at the end of April.
They're lofty goals, for sure, since I haven't done much running since my 5K and even less after surgery (I'll admit: I've been a little scared of hurting myself).
A couple weeks ago (when I started this post) I jumped up and went for a run, and cranked out a mile! In 11:13!!!! Then I ran another mile the next day, and haven't run since. Ugh.
I'm going for a run this morning (in a few, when the sun comes up) and according to my training schedule, I need to be able to run 1.75. I'm driving downtown to a green way (also the 5K site :) ) to get it done if it kills me!
If I post later, you'll know I survived :)
Until next time,
:)
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